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Nothing much to write about these days. Our quest to start FET has not been smooth. That’s an understatement! I had a doctor’s appointment last Saturday; my AF was not showing up and I was almost a week late; I did have some spotting but nothing that can be considered a flow. The first thought that came to my mind was the dreaded cyst is back! During our scan the Dr told me that I haven’t gotten my period yet because I have not even ovulated yet this cycle… What???? He could see a follicle there. I wonder if it was a cyst though? Oh how my cycle has gone berserk!!! But then again, what else is new? So it’s a waiting game again. I’ll wait to have my period in 2 ½ weeks. If it has still not arrived, then I’ll make an appointment to get another scan. Yea… more waiting… Funny thing during the appointment, the Dr told me, “look (showing me on the screen) you still have many eggs. You are not going into menopause just yet”. I’m like “What??? I wasn’t even thinking of that”, now he’s got me concerned! Yea, more things to worry about! As of today still nothing. I keep feeling like AF is coming and rush to check but nothing. All this waiting is getting me anxious. I know all these anxiety will only wrack my hormones… breathe N, breathe…

My hubby and I have a full physical scheduled for Tuesday. Will blog on that once we get through it. I hope everything else health wise with us is in good shape.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Love

N

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Man I did… I read a review in one of the blog I hopped on to (I’m sorry I forgot the name of the blog) so since hubby had to work late on Friday, our usual movie night was canceled so I had my own movie night. How I cried! Swollen face, blood shot eyes, snort and all LOL… and that was just 15 minutes into the movie! Well the story starts like this; a couple was in the doctor’s office and the doctor was telling them that basically they have exhaust all their options to have a baby of their own and advising them to move on to other options.  When they got home and after a lot of crying in the bathroom, the wife told the husband that they needed to move on. But the husband told her that he wasn’t ready to move on. He wanted to talk about it tonight and move on tomorrow. So that night they talked about their child. What could/would have been, what their child would be like… how their son will have a good heart, he’ll be honest to a fault, score the winning goal… they wrote all these attributes on a piece of paper, and then put it in a box and buried it in their garden….that scenegot me bad! It’s like they were burying their hopes and dreams, their would be child. At this point the memories ofmy miscarriage, the box I created for my would be baby and burying him in the ground… all of it came rushing through my head and I can’t breathe. It felt like there was a ton of brick on my chest.

Through the years I have thought a lot about what our child would be like. I wanted him/her to have hubby’s light brown eyes because I fell in love with him looking in it. I wanted our child to have my sense of humor and his charisma. His good hair rather than my unruly curls LOL that sort of things…. I wonder if we would ever get to know what our biological child will be like… I don’t know if I would ever hold our biological child in my hand, or see him/her smile at me. Like the people in the movie, I might one day have exhausted all of my options. I have never said this out loud but it’s been in my head… I just don’t want to believe it. Not yet at least.

There is more to this movie than the first 15 minutes I talked about. But that scene really got to me. It’s like looking into my worst nightmare. The movie had a happy ending though… I won’t spoil it for you people who haven’t seen it 😉 It’s a good movie … go watch!

 

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Here’s praying that all of our fears are just nightmares and all our hopes and dreams come true.

Love

N

I have a wedding to attend this weekend. My hubby distant cousin is getting married. I made plans to go with my sister-in-law. It would be great to see her. I haven’t seen her since her big news. I’d love to congratulate her in person and see how she is doing. I don’t think she’s showing yet as it is a still early days. I’m a little apprehensive about the family though… you know the older people, aunts, grandmas, distant relative; those sorts. They have the tendency of being overly sympathetic or outright tactless. Well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I might be concern about nothing. Funny isn’t it, the thought that goes through my head just to attend a wedding? My brother goes through it too, he’s a handsome 40 year old bachelor, he gets the “when are you getting married?” questions all the time. He always answers with “Cuti sekolah” (during the school holidays) but never gives a year LOL. He laughs about it but I can’t help but think it makes him uncomfortable.  He’s happy, healthy and very-very successful, so who cares if he’s married or not? As long as he’s happy I’d say.

I wish the questions and the snarky remarks would just stop. I don’t mind talking about my treatments and allowing people in so that the understanding of infertility and what we go through is more understood and respected. But not everyone has an open mind about these things. Some would go as far as to say we are challenging gods will.  How does one change people perspective when their mind is already made up?

Just found out that hubby has to work again over the weekend, I thought that would mean we could skip the wedding but it turns out that he’ll take a break and go to the wedding then go back to work??? Just my luck!

Have a great weekend peeps…

 

Love

N

 

stared at a HPT under all light sources and try to convince yourself that you can see some sort of faint line when there is none? I have; and I’m not proud to say I have done it A LOT!  It’s one of those quirks you start to acquire while TTC. That and symptoms spotting at the end of each cycle. The bo*bs seems to always be sore; maybe it’s because it has been poked so many times to check if it’s sore LOL. It’s the in the closet thing that I don’t share with anyone; not even DH. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m nuts. I hope it’s not just me.  If it is, then thank god that this blog is anonymous LOL.

I hope my cycle is back to normal this cycle or if it’s not; let it be because AF is staying away for the whole 9 months and I have a little bean inside me as I’m typing this. A girl can hope right? I did a hpt on CD25 (it was DH birthday), a little early but wouldn’t it be great if it was positive? But it was a BFN as expected. No tears shed, only a mild disappointment. Like all the cycles since we’ve started TTC, I wish this is THE cycle…and I’m obsessing again. Little twinges, cramps, no crams, CM, no CM… and the list goes on. Mr Google has been good in keeping my obsession alive… dang you MrGoogle!!@#!!

Won’t be too long before the Dr appointments starts again… till then

Love

N

Mine doesn’t. He knows I have a blog, he has asked me in more than one occasion for the url but I’ve never allowed him to come here. I don’t know why, but I’m just not comfortable. He knows more about what I’m feeling than what I write here anyway. To tell you the truth, no one I know in real life knows about this blog and I want to keep it that way; for now at least.

Last night after giving hubby a mini facial, I read him one of my entries; the Story Time. He enjoyed it, then I read him this one, my voice cracked and he turned quiet… I can tell that his guard is up and he’s in his protective mode. I know at that very instant that I’ve made the right decision not letting him have access to here.

Who knows, one day I might change my mind, but for now I will be just N… no face just a letter.

 

Love

N

 

I haven’t been well these last few days from food poisoning. I don’t know what I ate that’s different from hubby, but he’s ok and me, not so good. The bright side of this is I lost 1.5 kg… I know, I know it’s all water weight but any movement on the scale gets me excited! I can’t seem to keep anything down so I’m resorting to crackers. Water taste funny as well and I can’t drink my usual 2 liters per day. I’m feeling a little better todaythough. Alhamdulillah.

I met up with a friend yesterday; well actually she’s my insurance agent turn friend. I haven’t seen her for a while, well with our busy schedule, we usually communicate via telephone and emails anyway. I was surprised to see her; she looked really thin though upbeat and friendly as ever. After our hello hugs she told me the reason she has been quiet these pass year was because she had cancer. She found a lump in her neck and got it checked out and the biopsy confirms that it was cancerous. She told me about going through radiation and chemo and how she lost her hair and 12kg of her already tiny figure. She told me there was times when she thought that shewouldn’t make it. She is still recovering gaining back her energy. She’s cancer free right now but will have to get a scan done every 3 months. She’s a strong lady

After hearing for yourself stories like this told by the person who went through it, it made me appreciate life more and I am thankfully of the fact that I am alive and healthy. I should live my life to the fullest and cherish what I have. You don’t know when the rug will be pull from under you. So I hugged my husband tight when I got home last night and made sure I was extra nice to him (I’ve been bitc*y these last few days being sick and taking it all on him). I’ve been a grouch, feeling sorry for myself when in actual fact; I have so much more than I need.

So today let’s make it a point to smile and thank be thankful for our blessings and start taking care of our health.

Love  

 

N