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Today was supposed to be my due date. Well bare in mind that I never did have an official due date. I never did get that far along. But as any excited mom to be, the minute I had my official positive beta I went straight to Google and went to one of the due date calculator website. After keying in all the necessary info … this was the date I got. Today…

I know we shouldn’t live with the “what if”…. We should live in the present. I know… but the mind and the heart don’t always agree with each other. So today will be a compromise.I’ll take a few minutes to think about what would have been, then look ahead and plan for the future.


Hope today bring you lots of love and fond memories




Went for a follow up appointment during lunch today. The difference in going to the clinic in the morning and during lunch is vast. Unlike the crowd in the mornings, my lunch appointment at the dr’s office today was a breeze. I went straight in when I arrived. Everything is looking good. The cyst is completely gone. I was quite surprise since it was pretty big when I last saw it.  So the plan is to stop my birth control pills and hopefully AF will come in 3 days’ time. This will give me a bit of time to get AF out of the way before our vacation.


I wrote the paragraph above a day before the actual appointment. Was testing out positive enforcement/ positive thinking of sorts….LOL…. It would have been a great story if the actual appointment actually turned out that way, but not this time I’m afraid! This was what actual happened. I arrived at the clinic 10 minutes late. The traffic was horrible. Dear hubby was grumpy the whole ride there. Once we got to close to the building, I asked hubby to drop me off first before he parks the car. When I entered the clinic, it wasn’t empty. There was a bit of a crowd there. I laughed at myself a little thinking about the paragraph I wrote above… I knew the day won’t turn out the way I envisioned.  

Thankfully though, the wait wasn’t too long. Straight to scans to check on the cyst progress. It is very much still there. It has shrunk a bit from the last time I saw it on the scan but still not where we’d want it to be. So I am to continue on the birth control pills with half the dose. I’m to go back to see the dr in 10 days.  I hope it would be cleared up by then. A girl can hope…

I’m not feeling myself these last few weeks. I don’t know if it’s the cysts, the meds or my anemia is back? But I feel lousy! I’m getting the shivers, hot flushes, headaches and somewhat jittery. I hope I get better soon. I didn’t mention any of this to the dr when I saw him, I should have… maybe on my next visit I’ll ask him about it. Research from MrGoogle is pointing to the side effect of the meds.

Hoping my next dr visit to be a more positive one…






There’s not much going on at the moment. Things are rather quiet in the TTC world for me. I’m on the sidelines for a bit to give my ovaries some much needed time to resolve a 4cm cyst leftover from my last Tamoxifen (did I spell this right?) cycle. Yep you read that right… 4cm… it is huge. I’ve never had them that huge. It looked like it took up the whole screen… oh well, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit 😀

My dr. have me on birth control pill to help the cyst shrink and I’m supposed to go back to see him after 2 weeks which will be in a couple of days. I hope it is gone but I won’t be surprised if it needed another week or two to clear up… I’m trying to stay healthy but I think either the cyst or the birth control pills are making me feel very bloated and puffy…

I’m looking forward to a long birthday weekend in a couple of weeks’ time.  Dear Hubby is taking me on an island weekend. I love the beach and the sun. I’m really looking forward for a much needed R&R. I hope once the holiday is over we will be in the right mind frame to attempt another FET round. The excitement of the vacation drowns the recent TTC black hole a bit which is very-very welcomed.

I’ll update when I know more. I’m going to ask my dr. if we could put off my AF until after my vacation. It would suck big time if the nasty AF shows up then!


Sending cyberspace an arm full of happy thoughts… Hope your TTC journey is going along swimmingly!


Love N


I was looking through some adoption site sometime late last year around the time after my miscarriage and found a site that matches a mother to the adoptive parents even before the baby is born. The mothers in these cases are usually unwed teens with no means of taking care of the child once the child is born or for whatever reason do not want the baby.  The site belongs to a non-profit organization; basically started by mothers that are concerned about the rate of baby dumping in our society. There are no fees involved because there is no selling or buying babies of course; but prospective parents are supposed to bare the hospital cost for the delivery. I’m not sure how they match the parents with the mothers though… maybe it’s on a first-come-first-serve basis? I don’t know. I need to find out. The legal aspect of the whole thing will come later once the baby is born, but of course before thattime the biological mother can change her mind at any time.  In Islamic law if I’m not mistaken there is a 2 years period before a child can be legally adopted; any time before then the biological parents has the rights to change their minds andtake their child. That’s a scary thought. Being given a gift of a child and to have that child taken from you…. Hmmm

What I’m rambling on and on here is really thoughts that have been playing in my mind for a while now – adoptions. May be that’s the way to go? I’m not giving up on trying for our own,but when do I stop? What if I try and try but it is just not in the cards for us? Can my husband and I live forever with just the two of us? I feel so ready to be a mom. I’m not saying it would be easy to find a child to adopt. I’ve heard that it may take years. May be I should start? At least send in my application? I have an introduction all written up in an email to the organization but I found myself unable to press the send button… why?