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I haven’t had the chance to update this blog… that’s a lie, I was at home for a whole week off from work after my D&C, and there was plenty of time to write. The truth is I haven’t been able to get myself to write about this journey that has been cut short. I’m stronger now.

On the 8th of March, a day after my birthday, I went to see the dr for our follow up appointment to see if our baby has progressed. I was anxious going in. I’ve readied myself for the worst, but if you were ever in my shoes, you’d know no amount of preparation can make this any easier.  There was a new dr with Dr P today. I guess she was shadowing Dr P and will be joining the practice soon. After our usual pleasantries, we went to the scanning room. As usual we did a trans-virginal ultrasound so that they will be able to see everything clearer. I could see right away that the scan was different from our last scan, there is more to see this time. But sadly no heartbeat can be detected. The dr didn’t mention if he found the fetal pole this time, but just told me, “N, there is nothing there”. After the scan we had a little chat. Again Dr P told me that it’s nothing that I did or did not do to have caused this. It’s just bad luck. He gave me the option to let the baby pass naturally or go for a D&C. He also mention that because of the size of the sac (I was already 8 + 6 weeks) that if I went the natural way that we might still end up doing a D&C if there were bits left over. I’ve already made up my mind beforehand that if the baby didn’t survive I would want a D&C to get everything over and done with quickly, so we made an appointment to have the D&C done once the dr was available, which was 5 days later. I asked if we could have embryo tested, the dr told me that we can if we wanted to but he recommended that we don’t because of the cost and more importantly, what we find out from the test will not hold any weight on my future pregnancies just this one. He suggested that it would be a better move to have me and hubby tested instead. So we concurred.

Two days before the scheduled D&C, hubby text me at work and asked if I was up to see another dr for a second opinion.  He says he knows there isn’t much chance that everything was ok but he said he didn’t want us to have any regrets…. He didn’t want to live with the “what if”. I agreed and made an appointment to see an OBGYN. He is the same guy that delivered my 6 nephews and nieces. He is a great guy who took time with me to look at my baby in detail, showed me and measured the fetal pole, the baby’s yolk sac and the placenta. He made me feel like I’m not crazy, there is a baby in my womb, I was not a fraud. Though the outcome was still the same, the baby has stop growing sometime around 6 weeks, but  his detail scan and explanation throughout the procedure made me feel at ease with my decision. I’m glad hubby asked for us to go.

I had the D&C on a Thursday 13th of March. Recovering from anesthetics was a little difficult this time compared to all my other stints with the drug. I guess it was what the procedure represent to me, a loss. I felt empty. I asked for the pain killer right away because I wanted to just be numb for a bit.

I am no longer pregnant. I will not be holding my baby in my arms come October 12th.  My heart is broken. Allah has a plan for us. I pray that I will be strong to weather through this storm.

 

Love

N

It’s not good news I’m afraid. The Dr found the gestational sac and the yolk sac but couldn’t find a baby. I have dreamed of a happier outcome but it was not meant to be I guess. I was calm throughout the procedure and asked questions I needed answers to. The dr was sympathetic and told me that nothing that I did or did not do caused this. It’s usually caused by some abnormal chromosomes and it was nature taking care of things. I asked what do I do next, he says to wait a week and have another ultrasound to see if there is any change. He says that he hoped that he is proven wrong and that the baby is ok and hiding somewhere but he highly doubts it. He also offered to refer me to another dr with better ultrasound equipment so I can have my peace of mind and not have to wait a whole week, but I decided to wait the week.

I won’t lie, I did a lot of crying once we got to the car and back home. My hopes and dreams shattered once again. Years and years of fertility treatments, twice pregnant and twice not able to see a baby in my hand. I trust in Allah and His plans for us. If I didn’t I would probably go out of my mind. I’ve decided that if there is no change on the next appointment to proceed with a D&C to end the pregnancy. During my first pregnancy, I waited to miscarry naturally but the waiting game is too much and too heart breaking to go through again. I’ve also decided that this will be my last fertility treatment. I don’t think my heart can take any more heartbreaks. We will pursue adoption, in sha Allah.

I know I shouldn’t give up just yet. It can still go either way, but I don’t want to put too much hope on the outcome of our next scan. I must be realistic.

Thank you for all your prayers.

Love

N