You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2013.

Sorry not much news on this end. This month of lull from IF treatments should be a good time to just live my life and not think about FET, IVF, AF, CD, O… no chance! It consumes me, my sleep, my free time, my thoughts. May be it’s because I don’t have much to think about these days? Hmm… I have been thinking for a while on what our next step will be if this FET doesn’t work. I’m very sure that I want to give IVF one final try right away, but I will need to decide to either stay with the same Dr or go elsewhere. So this has been the thoughts occupying my brain. I’ve been Googling other doctors but I have not made any appointments to meet any yet. I think it’s too soon and it makes me feel like I’m cheating on Dr P but we need to look at other options. I wish the treatments we’ve been getting didn’t cost this much since everything is out of pocket; there is a huge hole in hubby’spocket that no amount of sewing can mend! It will be worth it in the end; whatever the end may be…

I’ve been listening to a song called “A new day has come” by Celine Dion these last few days… the song seems to talk to me and lifts my sprit up. I don’t know how to upload video on here; I’ll learn and get it up here so I can share it with you. Till then, hoping and praying that we will all have a little one to cuddle with soon…

Love 

N

 

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I think I wrote a sometime ago about my sister-in-law who we hosted a reception for some time in September, I got news that she is just found out she’s 8 weeks pregnant… I’m so happy and excited for her, but I found myself crying. How could feeling happy and sad exist at the same time? I’m happy for her but I felt so sorry for myself. Why can’t it be as easy for me? Now I feel bad for feeling bad, this is not about me!arggg!!! I don’t like feeling like this. I want to be a person who rejoices in other people happiness and most time I am that person. But have gone through so much in the TTC department that it is difficult to hear good news and not reflect on how much I want what they have. I must sound so childish right now.

In the car on the way to work today, DH showed me a picture of a cute little girl, a daughter of a friend who also when through infertility… once upon a time, things like this would give me hope that miracle do happen… but now I just feel that miracles happens only to other people… not to me.

Soooo sorry for this pity party. I just needed to rant. 

Sorry you have to read this 😦

 

Love

 

N

 

I’d like to share with you an interesting tale I picked up during our vacation in the beautiful island of Langkawi, Malaysia. Langkawi is made up of 99 islands and its stories are full of legends and mystic which I find very romantic.

One of the islands we visited was called “Pulau Dayang Bunting” or in English “The Island of the Pregnant Maiden”.  It is said that the island got its name from a tragic love story where a beautiful princess from the heavens came down to earth and fell in love with a mortal man. Soon after, she found out that she was with child; but this is where the tragedy starts. The baby they were eagerly waiting for died at birth. The princess was heartbroken; she buried their son in what is now a great lake in the middle of the mountains and before she left earth to the heavens, she cast a spell on the lake. Whomever longing for a child who comes and bathe in that very lake will soon become pregnant.

It is a sad story; but this story rings a lot of hope and selflessness. I’m sure the princess heart was shattered when her child passed. The child that she had hopes and dreams for, but instead of being angry and vengeful at the world, she uses her tragedy to make sure that any woman, who wants to be a mother, could… I think that’s pretty.

If you look closely, the shape of the island resembles a pregnant lady lying down on her back. Cool right?

Pulau-Dayang-Bunting2

Pulau_Dayang_Bunting

 

This story is of course a myth. I don’t know if I got my story straight so forgive me if I’m telling this wrong.  But none the less, it is a beautiful story. No, I did not specifically plan the trip to the island for a dip in the lake, but since I was already there I didn’t want to miss my chance. The day was hot and the water in the lake was nice cool and the dip was refreshing after quite some hike up the terrains. The lake is about 10 Meters deep and even though the lake boarders the sea, the water in the lake was not salty; this is another miracle of the lake of Dayang Bunting.

We went to a few more islands where we got to feed eagles in the water, and visit beautiful beaches, the main island itself is full of stories and legends but this is after all a TTC blog, so…

Hope you enjoyed story time 🙂

Love

N

 

Goddd I’m so sleepy today. I was up all night last night with cramps. I’m guessing since I’ve missed 3 cycles, AF this time around came with a vengeance.  I wasn’t able to sleep at all… the pain was excruciating… As I was going through this Ithought; “I won’t be able to have a drug free birth I’m sure”LOL. I was whimpering all night from the pain. At one point I didn’t know what to do with myself… I thought I could die (I was irrational, I know) .Poor hubby threw out his back on Wednesday so he’s not 100% just yet but he was sweet and got me the hot water bottle in the middle of the night and tried to give me a back rub but I was in such pain I didn’t want to be touched so to avoid being snapped at by his ever so grumpy wife, he went back to sleep, bless him. I finally fell asleep at 6:30am and have to awake up at 7:30am… that was the longest stretch of shuteye I got all night. After a nice hot shower in the morning, I passed some large clots (sorry TMI) and the cramping subsided. Thank god for that… I was ready to go to the emergency to get a jab for the pain. Aahh the joy of being a woman!

I’m so out of it now. I think I should have just stayed home… but there’s work to do, people to see, so I’m braving through this Friday… power on… just pray I don’t snore if I fall asleep at my desk!

Have a great weekend!

Love

 

N

 

 

The dreaded cyst is gone Alhamdulillah… That’s the good news we got today during the doctor’s visit. That and the waiting time was short, I was back at the office by 10am which is great. Now, for the not so fun news… We have to wait for my cycle in April to start again. The dr thinks that I’m all pumped up with meds to get rid of the cyst it might affect the transfer. So I will wait for my next cycle to come, if it doesn’t then I’m to see the dr in 1 months’ time to get it going… it’s a vicious cycle and it is really hard to stay positive and go with the flow. I feel like I’m in a never ending loop. There’s nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do to stop all of this is to quit; and I’m not ready to quit yet. So I will pull myself together and ride this wave; hoping that there will be a rainbow baby at the end of this journey.

In the mean time I want to make sure I’m living my life, not as someone TTC. I don’t want it to define me. Not anymore. It will be a part of who I am but I will try my level best not to be consumed by it.
This is a difficult journey… I would never wish this on anyone. If you happen to be one of the chosen ones to ride these waves alongside me, I pray that god give you strength and patients to take on this challenging journey; praying that we’ll find that gold at the end of the rainbow.

Love

N

I’ve just came home from a wonderful vacation by the sea. The beach was beautiful and peaceful; just what I needed. I ate a little too much though… but you are allowed to binge on holiday right? Now it’s back to the real world. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I need to decide if we are doing a medicated or a natural FET cycle this time around. After having to cancel FET 3 times on a natural cycle I think it is only logical to go the medicated route… but I don’t know? May be I’ll be able to decide once I’m sure the cysts is all clear and we are moving along with this cycle, because right now I’m somewhat in limbo and can’t move on.

May be in my next entry I’ll write a bit about our vacation. It’ll be nice to read about something other than cysts in this blog LOL.

Love

 

N

 

 

I took a personal day from work to go see the good doctor today. I have some leave days that needs to be exhausted by month end, so I thought what the heck… I could go get my hair done after the appointment. The wait was long. Not thedr’s fault at all… we just arrived too early. I had the scan done, I was really anxious, scared if the cyst hasn’t budged but was happy to see that it is almost gone… just an itsy thing compared to the humongous creature it was some weeks ago. I’m pretty happy that it looks like it is clearing itself up. Yes it’s taking a while; but as long as there is progress, however small, I’m happy. So today I’m a happy camper!

I had a talk with the dr. on how we will proceed next cycle. He likes to go the natural route but I’m afraid that I won’t ovulate on my own and the cyst will comeback. He says we can decide to go the medicated cycle approach but I will need to be on progesterone support for a while. I remember the nasty gel suppository… yucky… I told him I’d take this next 10 days before our next appointment to think about it. On the walk back to the car I had a talk with hubby, he told me thathe’d be ok with whatever I decide (not much help there LOL).  Right this minute I think I want to try one more round of natural cycle. If I don’t ovulate this cycle we will go the medicated route. What do you think? I still have time to think about it…I will do some research and hope to arrive at the best decision for us to proceed. Wish us luck for our next FET try…. Hope this time we go all the way to a take home baby…inn sya Allah

 

Love

N