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We had Baby A’s aqiqah and kesyukuran (a thanks giving gathering of family and friends) when he turned 2 months old. We just decided to do it before I start work. It was pretty last minute so off we went to send invitations to friends and family to attend the celebrations. Most invitations were made via messaging and phone calls. This one particular call my dad made, to his cousin. They asked who just had a baby? And dad said, my daughter N. She didn’t quite believed him and said “N? Bile pulak mengandungnye? Tup tup dah besalin?” (N? When was she pregnant? All of a sudden she has a baby?”) The nerve right? My dad told me about the conversation. We found it funny but yea, I guessed people were surprised and some thought I had quietly adopted a baby and pass him as my own. There is nothing wrong with adopting. I think it would have been the next step for us anyway before we had baby A. Because of my early losses, I didn’t flaunt my pregnancy. I didn’t tell anyone other than close family and those who saw my growing belly. I was cautious all the way. It’s no wonder that when baby A came, people didn’t quite believe that I had a baby. May be I should show them my c-sect scar, may be then they’ll believe! We even joked that I should setup a photo montage of me and my pregnant belly with all the scans of the baby, but I didn’t think it was necessary. I don’t care if people think baby A did not come from my womb, it does not matter. Let them gossip all they want. The truth is, it doesn’t matter if your baby came from your womb or if he came from your heart (adoptions). What matters is the baby is yours and you will love and nurture him with all that you have. That, makes you a mother.

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I didn’t cry the first time I held my baby in my arms. It surprised me actually since I am a very emotional person. My sister cried watching me hold my baby. Friends came to visit while I was at the hospital. Those closest to me who has seen me at some point of my ttc journey could not hold back their tears when they hugged to congratulate me. They tell me how happy they were for us that after all our determinations, failures and tears I finally have a baby in my arms. When they say this I smiled and thank them for looking out for us and keeping us in their prayers all this while. The truth is the first few weeks I was just going with the flow. I did not allow myself to go THERE. If I did I would breakdown. If I thought about the 13 years wait to get here, the endless dr’s appointments, the pocking and probing, the hope… the loss after loss the disappointments and the tears; I never ever ever thought this day would come. I would pray and hope and prayed some more at every step of our journey through infertility that it would happen but never in my wildest dream would we reach the other side with our take home baby.

It wasn’t until about 4 weeks into my confinement, my mom allowed me take a trip back home with the baby for the weekend. There I was in my own home, feeding my baby boy and Celine Dion – A New Day Has Come played on my iphone. Suddenly the flood gate opened and I started to sob uncontrollably that my body shook. I was crying out of happiness of Allah blessing of our little miracle boy. At the same time I was crying for all people who desperately want a child of their own. My heart breaks that their yearning for a child has not been fulfilled. I wanted everyone to experience this joy… it felt unfair. I feel unworthy of this gift. My tears fell on my baby like rain but he wasn’t fazed. He was hungry and continued eating even when mama’s body shook like tremors. I promised to him that I would love him and take care of him the best that I could. I wanted him to know how he is wanted and loved even before he was conceived.

I pray for everyone who are on this journey of infertility, that Allah gives us the strength and patients to weather this storm and may He grant us with beautiful, healthy babies soon. Amin.

Don’t give up even when it seems hopeless.
Love

N

I’m back at work since Tuesday. Oh boy was it hard to leave the little one behind. I miss his smell, his smile, I miss having him close to me 24/7. I’m lucky that my mother is looking after our precious boy. I just hope he is not giving mom a hard time. He has been really clingy this past week not allowing me to leave his sight. Oh I miss my baby boy 😭

I still owe a birth story. Now I know why people stop updating their blogs once their babies came. Who has the time? I really haven’t had the chance to write. Taking care of baby is all I do. House chores are left for hubby or at least till he is home and takes the baby off my hands. I must admit taking care of the little one has not been easy for me. I’m so sleep deprived. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom, just that the lack of sleep almost drove me over the edge. Baby is doing well sleep wise really but this spoil mom misses her 8 hours of sleep. Well more on the sleep deprivation story later. This is going to be long. I want to remember everything.

Now back to baby A birth story…

Where did I leave off, oh the fall at the hospital café? After the incident, the dr didn’t want to take the risk of me going into labor on my own asked us to come in on Monday and get admitted. I was supposed to come fasting as the c-section was to be done the very day. I spend the weekend getting myself prepared mentally for Monday’s surgery. I think I was focusing so much on the pregnancy and staying pregnant and also the process of getting the baby here, I did not prepare myself enough for when the baby actually gets home. We arrived early on Monday to see the dr before being admitted. During the scan the dr decided that he wanted to be on the safe side and give me a steroid jab to mature the baby’s lung. Baby was measuring 3.9kg on the scan. I was admitted to the hospital but no action on Monday just the 2 steroid shots. Looks like I’m going to have a Tuesday baby. I would be 37weeks and 3days.

The surgery was scheduled for the afternoon at around 2. I have discussed with the dr earlier that I wanted a spinal block but when the anesthetist came to see me to brief me, he said he would recommend that I had the general anesthesia. He says he would be able to control my blood pressure better this way and also the fact that I had herniated disc in my spine, all the more reason to go the GA route. Though I had dreamt to have hubby with me during the birth, I decided to follow the expert advice. I didn’t have time to grief on the change in my birth plan. I only focused on what is best to get my baby here safe and healthy.

The OT was booked solid that day. I wasn’t wheeled to the OT till about 3, anxious and hungry. Hubby held my hand as I was wheeled outside the OT, then retreated to the waiting room. The OT was cold but a familiar setting as the one I was in for my DnC in 2014 but this time I would go out of the OT with a take home baby. Once in the OT everything was quick. The anesthetist said hello and put a line on my hand. I hate having the line put in. Then I felt something hot pushed on my vain at the same time a nurse came and put an oxygen mask on me and told me to breath. That was all I remembered. The next thing I remember was seeing hubby standing beside my bed saying our baby is here and he is so cute. Then I was out again. Hubby told me later that my mom and dad also had the chance to come see me in the recovery area but I had no recollection of it. I guess I was out cold.

Once the anesthesia has worn off and I was more alert and my vital stable, I was wheeled back to my room. By this time hubby, mom and dad had already seen the baby. I was quite envious that they got to see and touch him before I did, but I liked the fact that baby got to bond with his daddy while I was still in recovery.

The first time I met him, it felt like I’ve known him all my life. He felt familiar, it felt right. I fell in love.

The dr came by to check up on me. He said the procedure went well. While he was in there he found endometriosis and had them removed (thank you dr M). My uterus was not shrinking as fast as it should so I was given Pitocin for the next 3 day to help it along. I also got the handy dandy red button connected to yummy pain killer that I was supposed to press if I felt pain. The truth is the button didn’t work for me. The Pitocin made the contraction very strong and painful. I had a catheter for urine and was not able to leave the bed till all of these are removed in 3 days. Argggg. I hated being immobile and confined to the bed.

The baby stayed with us that first night. I tried to nurse him but my milk has not come and I was still out of it with the meds still in my system. The baby would scream in hunger and I felt helpless. I slept that first night with baby in my arms. By the 3rd day, the catheter was and drip were removed. I was told I could go to the toilet and move around if I want to. I was surprised that the nurses did not offer to help me up to help me to walk. I was so scared to take my first step since I’ve read on some blogs that it would hurt, but surprisingly I felt good. I was able to walk around with almost no pain at all. I was so sure the dr would let us go home soon. That was before we got news that baby A had jaundice and had to stay under the light. Our hospital stay ended up to be 7 days in total as the baby’s jaundice level were high and we didn’t want to leave baby A at the hospital. And even so, we didn’t get to leave with the baby (I cried a river having to leave baby A behind. I was inconsolable that 3 nurses came to pacify me). He ended up at the hospital for another 3 days before he was able to come home with us.

We welcome Mr A jr. (I wanted to post his birth announcement but I can’t seem to upload photos??)

Born to Mr A and Ms N on Tuesday 17th November 2015 at 4:21pm. Weighing 3.77kg and 54cm long via planned c-section.