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From 20th April 2015

We hear your heart beating today. I was too scared to look at the ultrasound screen. The screen that usually hung above the examination table was not there today and I was secretly happy that it wasn’t. I was too scared to look. I closed my eyes as the dr started doing the scan. She repeated last appointment data, the sac was 7mm she says. It should double that by now and we should see the yolk sac. When she looked at the screen she let out an “ummmm”. I stopped breathing. I looked at her face trying to gauge what the “ummmm” meant, and in the next breath she said “dah nampak baby dah pun” she could already see the baby. She was excited and says she wanted to measure the heartbeat. She turned up the sound. What I heard next was the single most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. The dr looked at me and said “bes kan?” referring to the sound of the heart beating. The dr says it gave her goosebumps… she knows our history so she knew what this means to us. I took a breath and nodded and my emotions just got me. I started to cry. She called hubby to get his phone to video the whole scan. “Ambil gambar mamanye sekali” she says to hubby. Wanting to make sure we had this moment for keeps. I’m on cloud nine. I’m grateful to Allah that He allowed me to have this moment. Alhamdulillah. I’ve dreamt of this moment, what I thought it would be like and Allah has given me much more than I expected.

Before leaving the clinic, I thank Dr A. It probably sounded like the usual thank you at the end of every visits. I don’t think she knows how really thankful I am to have her guiding us through this journey. I’m thankful that Allah choose her to be his means for us to have this moment. Thank you is not enough, Dr Adilah. I’m forever grateful. I know the road is long and there’s so much that can happen still. I choose to take this pregnancy in stride. Today I’m over the moon, today I’m thankful for Allah’s blessing of a heartbeat.

Love,

N

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My other half is away on a business trip, and as always when he is away, I run back to mum’s house. I don’t know if I’ve wrote about this, but my sisters lives with mum and dad. This means all my 6 babies are there and they were very excited that their mama bear is home. I had to take turn sleeping in their rooms. There were lots of hugs and kisses and of cause candies!! I’m missing hubby but I’m enjoying the quality time with the little ones and spending time with mum and dad and of course lots and lots of yummy home cook meals 🙂 🙂 😉

Yesterday I spent time with dad setting up his blog on patio gardening. He’s been asking me to help for a while now. I’m far from an experience blogger but hey when dad ask you do heheh. Because of my “condition” I get a free pass at home, no cleaning up or washing dishes yey!! I so love being pampered… I hope I’m not being too much of a trouble :D. I’m blessed that mom and dad are so close and I get to see them all the time. I’m sure hubby feels better knowing that wifey and our little bub is well taken care of while he’s away.

This week I feel tired all the time. May be I’m not getting a good’s night’s sleep with missing my Hubby and my bed and all. I’m 6 weeks along and the constant nausea is also here and it makes me smile, hoping that it means that our little bean is growing healthy. Last appointment at 5 weeks we got to see the sac. Next appointment will be next week to see the heartbeat. I’m scared. No, scared does not even come close to describing how I feel. I’m petrified! If you’ve read my blog you will know why.

One foot after another. We’ll make it through. One day at a time. Bismillahi tawakkaltu alallah la haula wa la quwwata illa billah.

It looks like this iui cycle worked MashaAllah, Alhamdulillah. I went to the lab today to get my blood drawn. My heart was filled with dread as I woke up today with what seems like brown blood covering half of my panty liner. I waited for the result till almost 3pm because at 3pm was my last dose of Duphaston. I don’t have any more on me so I wanted make sure my blood work was negative so I won’t feel bad stopping the meds. Nurse S told me that she did not have the result yet; I was supposed to do the blood draw yesterday you see, and I just didn’t go and went today instead. She told me she’d call me back once she has the result. I waited 5 minutes in the toilet for the dreaded call. I didn’t want to be in my office when the call came. 5 minutes later my phone rang again. It was nurse S, she told me my bHcG was 96. I was silent for a while. I said what?? It’s positive? And she said yes and repeated the number. I was in a daze, I can’t seem to comprehend what she was saying. I told her about the bleed this morning and she set’s me with an appointment to see the Dr the next day. I’m happy, that goes without saying, but I’m guarded.

After the call from nurse S, I called hubby and told him the news. There was no jumping with joy. Our conversation was refrained. I’m scared, he’s scared. I know hubby is happy but like me he is guarded. We thank Allah that we get the chance to experience this.

I don’t want to think too far ahead. One day at a time. It’s all in Allah hand. I will do my very best to keep this little embryo safe and happy. I love you already our little one.

I would appreciate if you can send us some doa for the baby and me if you have some to spare. Thank you with all my heart.

This post is a backdated post. Most of my posts are these days. I’m Sorry 😀 , I’m a bad blogger, I know. I don’t think I should even call myself a blogger. I do steal time to write but haven’t quite gotten the time to post on my actual blog ie here.

The stimming for my IUI cycle went longer than expected. I was put on Pergovaris for an additional 9 days. On CD 15 I triggered with Ovidrel and my IUI was scheduled for 36 hours after that. Dealing with the injections and drugs was like riding the bicycle; you just get on with it like its second nature. My body tolerated the meds well. No major side effects. My right ovaries wasn’t responding too well to the meds, the left one thrived, but remember my left tube is blocked so that figures. My body is trying to defy me!!! Oh well, we will just work with what we have and pray hard that Allah gives us a miracle.

The IUI procedure itself was fine. This is my first with Dr A. Apparently for IUI, it is performed in the comfort of her office. We had to arrive early to the hospital and go straight to the IVF center for mr Hubby to produced his goods. After that is done, we went for some breakfast as my appointment is set for 2 hours after the sperm drop. An hour before the IUI procedure I was told to empty my bladder and then to start drinking 4 glasses of water. This was a little tricky for me. How much is 4 glasses = ?ml ? I decided to finish a 500ml mineral water and as it turned out it is the perfect amount for me. After the hour was up my bladder was nice and full but not too full that I was bursting. After undressing waist down and laid down, Dr A discussed a little on the sperm collected (?? million) after washing, a good number she says. Dh was really proud of himself :P. The procedure went smoothly, the catheter went in and out easily with no bleeding or backflow. Alhamdulillah. Dr A did the procedure guided with the ultrasound so she’ll be able to see where she needs to guide the catheter and release the sperms. We were also able to see on the screen the mr Spermies being released to find ms Egg. And so the journey of life begins.

Dr A gave me a sick note for the day of the procedure and another 2 days for 5dpiui and 6dpiui. We were told to do the baby dance the old fashion way that night and again the next day after Magrib prayers and after that we were to abstain completely. She tells me that 5dpiui and 6dpiui is when the embryo starts attaching itself in the uterus so I should be resting hence the mc. I put myself on a modified bed rest from 5dpiui to 7dpiui just to be safe. I know the odds are stacked against us. I’ll leave me in Allah hands. Bismillahi tawakkaltu alallah la haula wa la quwwata illa billah.

N

I was looking at my favorites list on my internet explorer on my old PC today, revisiting fertility related blogs I used to frequent. Most of the blogs no longer exist or no new entries were written on them since for ages. Most, if not ALL of the blogs owners has graduated infertility and came out the other end with their beautiful babies. One of them has 2 and going on 3, another had a boy-girl twin. Then I looked through my own entries, looking at the dates. 2010? Is that right? Could it really be 5 whole years ago that I start going to see an RE? Has it been that long? Yep that long and no baby in my arms YET. I’m surprised at how unrelenting we are. Most would have quit by now and find other pursuit of happiness. Every time I think, “this is it, I can’t go on” another voice in my head keep saying “give it one more try”. I pray that our determination pays off in the end. I hope 2015 will bring us our joy.

Entahlah, kalau di fikir-fikirkan masih terlalu banyak yang N perlu berterima kasih dan bersyukur atas nikmat Illahi. Terlalu banyak yang N terima, much, much more than I deserve.

I went for my appointment with Dr A. This is my second time there so I’m still unsure of their procedure. I was worried that the wait would be long so I took the day off. I still have some days to exhaust so why not. We arrived at the clinic at around 8.45am, and got to see the Dr at around 10am and by the time we did the payment and got the meds from the pharmacy, it was 11am. So this will be my gauge for the upcoming appointments I guess.

We discussed the blood work I did; remember the longgggggg list of blood work the Dr ordered for me? Other than my elevated insulin level all the others are A OK. I passed the glucose tolerance test and all the blood tests for Lupus, Thyroid bla bla bla bla came back negative. I wonder what that means? I’m happy that I don’t have and underlying issues but at the same time, this does not explain why my babies die/stop growing early in my pregnancy. My insulin level is high and it bothers me. I don’t know what to do to make it better. I read that forgoing rice, and other white grains and limiting my carb and sugar intake is good but I am a carb addict. How will I survive?

The plan now is to go forward with an IUI next cycle. I’m happy with that. The Dr put me on Pergovaris 150ui from CD2 – CD 6. I’m hoping from the cycle (of cause I’m hoping for babies but) at the very least we will know how I respond to the meds if we decide to use it for IVF. The Dr says my left ovary is high up and if we were to do IVF there could be a possibility that we won’t be able to reach the follicles there. 😦 😦 😦 Dr P did not have any trouble getting to the ovaries during my previous IVF but I guess my parts has moved around in these pass year 😀 or may be when the ovaries are weight down by the growing follicles it’ll move down somewhat? Hmmmm