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I’m 40…+ 1. Gulp. This time last year I was really excited turning 40. 40 is fabulous, life begins at 40 right? I felt like I was meant to be 40 all my life (yea really, promise!) everything seems to fit. But put a 1 after the 4 and I feel totally unprepared… in denial to tell you the truth. I can’t make myself say I’m 40+1 =?

It’s funny, I feel the same as when I was a teen, in 20’s,30’s… I still feel somewhat immature, still very much need my mommy, still very much ill equipped to navigate this vast world without her wise words and assurance. It got me thinking about my own mom, the way she still looks at us, her babies. We will always be her little babies. I guess it still feels like she just had us and that is how I will always feel with little A. He will always be my baby boy…forever and ever…

I was cleaning up yesterday. The house is a clutter and me and hubs has become somewhat of a hoarder or very close to it. So, I equipped myself with a very large garbage bag and when through the house, one closet at a time (I could go through only one and that took a whole day, with all the reminiscing) In my mission, I came across a little blue book with beadings on the cover, inside was a few recipes that I got from mom, flipping through a bunch of pictures fell out. It was our sonogram with little A, from his very first…. his very first picture, a dot. Not much bigger than this 👉🏻 .

Flipping through the sonogram dawns on me… I won’t have that experience again. The dream of having more little A’s has to be put to rest. I have to admit to myself that our journey started and ended with the most beautiful boy who is the center of our universe. I don’t feel bad about letting go of the dream of having more children, I didn’t feel sad, just blessed. My mission is to be the best mom for little A.

Our family is complete.