17 November 2018

My dear wonderful son. It’s your birthday. You are 3!!!!!!! Such a big boy. You are the joy in my life. I love you so very much. You were all excited that your birthday was coming up. At first you kept saying that it’ll be mama’s birthday. Not until I tied up balloons on the wall put up your birthday banner did you realized that it was actually your birthday and you thank me so many times for the cars banner I put up.  You are such a sweet boy. Your birthday was on a Saturday. Mama had the balloons and banner up on Thursday night. We had such a hassle taking you to mummy’s house that Friday morning. You didn’t want to leave. You wanted your birthday NOW!!!

On the day of your birthday all the family came with presents. You were so happy jumping and hugging everyone. Mama made your favorite mac and cheese but you didn’t eat much as you were too excited with all the presents you got, all stacked up almost as tall as you. We had cake and sang happy birthday 3 times at your request. You love blowing out the candles.

We had a wonderful day with all the people we love. There was so much hug and kisses all around. You are so blessed my son. Before you fell asleep that night your asked me “Mama can I have my birthday 7 days?” you wanted to celebrate your birthday for 7 whole days LOL

I guess when you’re older you’ll be able to look through photos and videos of how excited and happy you were on the day. Stay happy sayang. Mama always pray that Allah protects you. Be great my son and always know that Mama loves you and will do anything for you.


Little A at 3:

  • Able to read/recognize familiar word. Actually, you could read pretty early without much teaching from me. I took out some flash cards and you already knew what was written on them (without pictures) so I packed up the flash card back in the box
  • You use phrases like “last not least” (Last but not least) it was too cute. Mama looked at baba and laughed the first time you said it.
  • You don’t say big and small but instead use words like “tiny, bigger, medium” to describe size
  • You like to say “Do you member mama?” (do you remember mama?) and talk about the what we did the day before or something we saw earlier in the day.
  • You like to learn. You’d say “Lets do homework mama”. I hope this continues once you actually have homework LOL
  • You loveeeeeee Ninja Go. You are Kai, mama is Nya and baba is Master Wu heheheh
  • You loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Legoland. Every 2nd word that comes out from you is legoland. You want to go all the time. We brought you there at least 4 times this year and you still want to go again. We’ll plan a trip soon ok
  • You are kind and loving
  • You are cheeky and playful
  • You give the best hugs.

I wish you didn’t grow up too fast. My heart swells when I think about you (which is almost all the time) I miss you when we are apart. I wish I have more time with you everyday. Please forgive mama for not being around more. If I had my wish, I would be the one who takes care of you every second of the day. Know that you are loved, you were always wanted and yearned for even before you came.

Happy 3rd birthday my son. Mama loves you forever. Be great my son.

My little A is 2 years and 7ish months (less than 5 months till he’s 3 glup). He is so much a mini-me and at the same time he’s so much like his dad too. We have the same sense of humour, we can just look at each other and laugh uncontrollably (DH will look at us like we’re mad LOL). It’s an adventure having a boy, he’s very out and about; always running and has very little sense of danger. We have to chase him quite a bit which makes a good workout (roll eye). We now spend our weekends playing football at the park, feeding the fishes at the pond or venture into the indoor play area. Little A loves the ball pit and slides and jumping on the trampoline. We’ve been to a few indoor play area that I thought I might want to setup another blog just for that!

Little A is getting really smart. He talks a lot. He talks gibberish still at times but most of the times he can express himself in sentences. He loves to sing and dance. I’ve been teaching him to write and draw (he loves drawing smiley faces on the fogged mirror after his bath). He is very independent so he doesn’t allow me to “teach” him how to hold the pencil ect. He wants to do it his way; so I let him. We are thinking about sending him to play school. We were thinking of sending him in June. Now that June is here and gone we think it’s too soon (roll eye); since he is only 2.5yrs old. So maybe we will start next year instead. We are looking for good, convenient and cost-efficient play school for little A. I’m sure we will have to compromise a little to meet that criteria.

Life has settled down somewhat for us 3. We are going through our everyday routine quite instinctively. I do wish I had more time with little A. There’s only limited hours in a day and for a working mom like me; I don’t have much choice. Things at work is shifting. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not but it’s changing for sure whether I like it or not. I will be traveling more which I have such anxiety about. I’ve never left little A overnight and my first trip away will be more than a couple of days. I’m seriously thinking about taking DH and little A with me. I can work and they can take in the sights. I don’t think I’m prepared to leave him over night just yet. How will I cope? How will little A cope without me? I can’t go 5 minutes in the shower without him pounding at the door LOL.

I think DH and I have closed the chapter on wanting more kids. Little A is such a great kid and we are so lucky. He is so sociable and loves the company of other children that sometimes I feel like we might be depriving him; but then again if it was easy for us to make babies we would have an even dozen by now but it has not been easy. I get a lot of comments like “bile nak dapat adik” (when will little A get a sibling) or “kesian dia sorang tak de teman main” (pity little A all alone with no playmate) and all these comments makes me feel guilty. Guilty for not trying harder, not perusing more treatments to have more kids; siblings for little A; but at the same time deep in my heart I know this is the best decision for my family. I can’t put little A through the roller coaster of infertility treatments. It would not be fair to him. He is too little to understand. Waiting for little A to get older is also not an option – mama is getting older too. So I’ll rest with this and pray for the best.

Praying for the best for you too…




I’m 40…+ 1. Gulp. This time last year I was really excited turning 40. 40 is fabulous, life begins at 40 right? I felt like I was meant to be 40 all my life (yea really, promise!) everything seems to fit. But put a 1 after the 4 and I feel totally unprepared… in denial to tell you the truth. I can’t make myself say I’m 40+1 =?

It’s funny, I feel the same as when I was a teen, in 20’s,30’s… I still feel somewhat immature, still very much need my mommy, still very much ill equipped to navigate this vast world without her wise words and assurance. It got me thinking about my own mom, the way she still looks at us, her babies. We will always be her little babies. I guess it still feels like she just had us and that is how I will always feel with little A. He will always be my baby boy…forever and ever…

I was cleaning up yesterday. The house is a clutter and me and hubs has become somewhat of a hoarder or very close to it. So, I equipped myself with a very large garbage bag and when through the house, one closet at a time (I could go through only one and that took a whole day, with all the reminiscing) In my mission, I came across a little blue book with beadings on the cover, inside was a few recipes that I got from mom, flipping through a bunch of pictures fell out. It was our sonogram with little A, from his very first…. his very first picture, a dot. Not much bigger than this 👉🏻 .

Flipping through the sonogram dawns on me… I won’t have that experience again. The dream of having more little A’s has to be put to rest. I have to admit to myself that our journey started and ended with the most beautiful boy who is the center of our universe. I don’t feel bad about letting go of the dream of having more children, I didn’t feel sad, just blessed. My mission is to be the best mom for little A.

Our family is complete.

I wrote this a day before the actual birthday but didn’t quite made it to post.

17 November 2017

You are 2 today – A letter to my son on your 2nd Birthday

Mama’s dearest son, the light of my life, you are Two today! It feels like yesterday and at the same time I almost can’t remember my life without you in it. You are a smart boy who also always knows how to get your way. You are a charmer and it is very hard to say no to you. I wish I am able to spend more time with you like your mommy, but mama have to work. We love our weekends together don’t we? I promise to love you unconditionally, to cherish our time together and to always make time for you. You can always count on me.

If you are reading this and wonder what a 2 year old you was like, let Mama give you a glimpse.

• We love singing in Barney “I love you” song before bed. My favorite part is when you hug both me and your baba when we get to the “great big hug” then we will both kiss you at the same time and let you finish the song on your own and you will sing “won’t you say you love me toooooooo” My heart just melts

• We will sing “If you’re happy and you know it” in the lift in the morning. You get so upbeat and ready to go to your mommy’s school and us off to work

• You can be very polite with your thank yous and peeess. So you always get your way with us and of course papa and mummy

• You knew your numbers from 0-10 by sight by 15 months and your alphabets at 19 months

• You can throw a tantrum like a pro. Lately you have been throwing yourself on the floor if you don’t get what you want. Mama not too happy with that.

• You start to talk a little bit. Most still babbles but sometimes you surprise us with words you use. You like to say “Amazing” and “delicious” when you see something that excites you.

• We would make videos together about colors, shapes and alphabets (look it up ok. Mama have uploaded them in the clouds 😃)

• You love your bear. You take him with us when we go on vacation

• You weigh 14kg. We still carry you at times since you don’t sit still and like to be independent and we worry you would get lost or get into trouble. You don’t have a problem with your car seat or your stroller anymore and help mama put the buckles on.

• Every time we ask you if you want a baby brother or sister you will say ‘NO!’ and jump in between us – so don’t blame us if you are an only child! LOL (Thank God you have your Shisha to always look out for you)

My son, know that mama loves you so much. You are the bright and shiny star that Allah has generously granted me and your dad… the best gift…the most precious. Be good. Be kind. Be awesome my son. Pray for us. Keep Allah close to your heart.

Happy 2nd Birthday little Bear. Mama loves you.

There has been big news on the TTC front circulating in our local media these past few days. Malaysian darling Dato Siti Norhaliza is pregnant after 11 years of trying. When I heard the news, I cried a little. She was my age when I was pregnant with little A after 13 years of trying. I was over the moon happy for her. I pray for a safe pregnancy and a healthy “take home” baby for her as well as for all the others that has travelled this road with us. I’m very proud of all of us that are open with the fact that we needed help trying to conceive. I hope with her openness to discuss fertility treatments will open the eyes of the public on our plight. It should not be a taboo subject to discuss. We should not suffer alone or feel embarrassed that we needed medical help to realise our dream of becoming parents. More than anything I pray that fertility treatments will be made more affordable and assessable to all that needs it. Those who have had treatments, me included knows how expensive these treatments are and sadly one attempt is usually not enough. It is a blessing that with Tengku Azizah Fertility Foundation (TAFF) the lower income earners are able to get funding to be able to go through IVF and be able to hope with all hopes to get a shot of having a child of their own. Even for us middle class income earners, the numbers just adds up and there are rarely funding for this group. I hope that we could fight to allow EPF withdrawal for IVF treatments. This will help tremendously. More funding means more people will seek treatments, this will also encourage more doctors, more research and ultimately more expertise in this branch of medicine. May Allah ease our journey and our efforts.

There has been so many happy developments in the world of fertility. I pray for all that are still on this roller-coaster ride. I hope your end is in sight and you will be holding your bundle of joy in your arms soon.

Thinking of Dr Adilah who made my dream of being a mom come true.

Lots of love

Just ONE more month before the big 2. Wow little A has gotten so big (tears). My little bitty baby boy is almost 2. He is a ball of energy. Put him down and he runs. He does look back to see if we (reads the old folks) are running after him. I sometimes wonder why I’m not skinny yet with all the running LOL. Little A is getting smarter by the second. He knows his ABC by sight both upper and lower case and can count and recognise numbers 0-10. His favourite word for now is “Amazing” and I just love the way he says it with his facial expression and all. On the talking front, he still babbles a lot. He seems to know words but does not know how to use them or listen to instruction well. It’s hard since little A is our first, we don’t have a benchmark on what is the “norm” at this age. How active is too active? How many word should he already know? Should he be talking in sentences by now? There are times when I worry and want to get him assessed by professionals and the family think I’m overreacting, so I’ve been consulting with the ole trusty Dr Google and reading blogs but I’ve found that the difference in development for kids this age is vast! It’s hard not to worry.  We as parents wants the best for our children. I hope I’m making the right decisions for little A. Sometimes I worry he is not communicating enough but then just this morning he came to me and said “oh on, sorry mama” and I asked him “what happened sayang?” He said nothing…. Only to find out he pooped his diaper LOL.

Next update will be his 2nd birthday insyaAllah. Till then…

Things has calm down a bit after the initial festivities. Celebrating Eid with little A the second time has been fulfilling. Not a dull moment at sight! Little A is a big boy now. A toddler that loves action. Jumping, running he hardly slows down. We taught him to sake people’s hands but he is very choosy with whom, but he would give everyone a high five instead :D. Our hari raya travels are as always, the last day of Ramadhan was spent at my grandma’s home in Negeri Sembilan, and we would travel back to my husband’s home in Ipoh in the evening of first day of Hari Raya. It’s always great to be with family and friends, most we have not seen since the last Eid!

Little A is happy to be amongst other kids, he got kicked and shoved a couple of times which caught him by surprise but he was a little trooper about it, his mom (reads me) not so much. I’m trying so hard not to be the helicopter parent but shoving and kicking is just not ok with me. I’m concern that little A might pick up the same. We try to teach our kids to play nice and share, but we cannot overlook the fact that kids learn a lot from other kids. I think I will be one of the moms that will always worry about son/child/children circle of friends (well don’t all moms?)

Little A is 20 months old! He has gotten so big! Both my hubby and I are rather tall people (for Asians at least) so little A takes after us. He doesn’t walk. Come to think of it ever since he “got his legs” he is running everywhere. We are contemplating getting one of those child harness so I could keep him at arm’s length so he won’t get lost in crowds. We babywear a lot still and he does ride in his stroller but I do like to allow him to walk on his own. The problem is he is not afraid of people so when I put him down he would run around not wanting to hold on to mama’s hand. So I think a harness is best. In this day and age safety is key.

Little A doesn’t talk a lot. He still babbles quite a bit. We love to sing together. He surprised me the other day, I brought him cookies with numbers on them. This is the first time we had them. I took a cookie out and before giving it to him I asked “Little A, what number is this” and he said “five”. I was shocked. I mean I’ve taught him his 1,2,3 but I didn’t think he would recognise the number ‘5’. I thought it was a fluke so I took another cookie out and it was a “3” and asked again, and he answered correctly again. I know there are babies that could read at 2 but I was still surprised that he knew his numbers. The next one was “1” but on the cookie it was just a straight line and looked like “I” and little A said it was the letter “i”. I guess a 20 month old child knows quite a lot LOL! His grandma didn’t believe the stories I told about little A knowing his alphabets and numbers until a couple of days ago she say she had Little A on her lap and he was reading the letters on her t-shirt “P A G K O R” and she was shocked! (he doesn’t know his ‘N’ and ‘M’ since when we sing the Alphabet song the “L M N” part goes fast and when we get to the part he would shake his head and say “ wa wa wa O P” LOL). He also knows some shapes and colors. His favourite one is Hearts and curcle (circle) 😍

He is growing up so fast. When I’m at work it takes a lot to not miss him and think about what he is doing. I’m glad he is with mom but he is getting more demanding since he now knows what he wants and poor mom is at his beck and call. We are seriously considering sending him to a playschool with day care next year. I am anxious about it but I hope I will make the right decision for my son. A working mother’s guilt continues…

I hope all is well at your end.


Little A has a binky (his trusted pacifier). My hubby and I was in a dilemma at the beginning deciding whether to start little A on the pacifier. I did a lot of reading and there are studies that says pacifier’s reduces chances of sudden infant death, and with little A frequent reflux when he was a baby, the pacifier given right after his feeds seems to reduce the reflux, so we kept at it. Now 1 year and almost 6 months later I am searching frantically online on how to make little A give up his good ole friend. My mom wasn’t really worried about the use of the binky, he is still a baby she says and it does help to calm him down for naps, since mom takes care of little A when I’m at work; as much as I want little A to be off his binky, easing my mom’s day to day with little A was more important at this point of time. I’ve read that the pacifier will not harm the teeth till later years of persistence use so we had a little time still.

This takes us to Saturday 13th May 2017. I was in bed with little A playing tickle. We just got home after a week’s holiday in Australia. Tired from lugging the luggage back to the house, we (read I) needed a nap. The usual nap time routine – little A had his bottle and his trusty binky in his mouth. I spoke softly to little A, I said “you are such a big boy now, big boys don’t need your binky anymore” , little A laughed and we played around some more. Suddenly out of nowhere little A took his binky out of his mouth and threw it on the floor at the same time sobbing. I asked what was wrong and picked up the binky and handed it back to him. He shake his head no but continues sobbing. I held little A close to my chest and told him, I knew it was hard, but if he is ready I will help him get through this. He fell asleep sobbing in my arms – without his binky. Shocked in an understatement. I don’t know how much little A understood. He’s a baby surely he didn’t understand what I said right?

I told hubby about the incident after our nap (a very short nap since someone didn’t have his binky in his mouth), and my husband’s reaction was, he picked up the binky from the bed and put the handle part in his mouth and offered the other end to little A (they do this often together). I got So angry at hubs! Here was little A trying with all his might to stop and his daddy is parading the binky right in his face. I was so upset. Thankfully little A didn’t take the bait and little A was binky free throughout the night. The next day we were getting ready to go out to celebrate mother’s day, hubby decided to put little A in coverall. It almost didn’t fit anymore and little A looked like a baby in it compared to the usual shorts and t-shirt we usually dress him in. Suddenly I realised, little A was ready to let go and be a big boy, HIS DAD WASN’T ready to let go just yet. He wanted his baby. In the excitement and effort to help my son go through this process I didn’t stop to think what this represents to his dad and me. Our son is growing up too fast. He is so different than the little helpless baby we brought home from the hospital 1year and 6months ago. He’s smart, determine and strong and has a mind of his own. My hubby needed a little time to process that. I need time to let this sink in…………

Binky free since 13th May 2017 – Mama is so proud of you little A.

It feels soooo long since I last updated this blog. I’m embarrass at how lazy I’ve been! Our Little A is 17 month and 2 weeks old. Was shopping for a swimming suite for him the other day and bought one for age 3 and it fits him with only a small room to grow!!! He’s getting so big! We are taking the opportunity to travel a bit since Little A could still be a lap baby on flights. We took Little A to Tokyo. My mom wanted to go see cherry blossoms, so we tagged along and had a wonderful time. Little A got to spend time in the parks chasing birds, we went to the zoo to see pandas, gorillas and the polar bear, Little A loved all the bears. We even took him to the mountains to experience snow.

He had a cold and the weather in Tokyo was cold but he was a trooper! I’m trying to forget what felt like an hour of screaming in the plane as the plane descended. Nothing could calm him down. I think it must have been the flu and how the ear aches as the pressure in the plane shifted. It was probably just 15 minutes at most but it felt like ages. There were stares, most sympathetic but I’m sure there were some annoyed at the wracked. I felt so sorry for my little boy to have put him through that. When we landed we let Little A run around a bit which he loved and of course needed after a 7 hours flight. The trip back home was better, thank god! We are attempting another 7 hours flight later this week this time to Australia. We’ll be on the red eye so I’m hoping he will sleep the whole way through. Wish us luck!

This pass few days we have been having trouble giving Little A his formula. He simply refuse them and when he does drink it would be a couple of ounces. If this continues we will have to look into giving him more cheese and yogurt as a substitute.

I’m leaving you with a rare picture of Little A 😄

Hope all is well at your end..


Feeling melancholy today. First day at work after a week off with little A. I wish it was for fun and play but the reason for the long break was because little A had the Hand Foot and Mouth disease aka HFMD. His cousin had HFMD during the CNY break and we were very careful making sure they stayed out of each other’s way until he was well. We disinfect their toys etc. We thought little A was all clear since it has been almost a month but I guess we weren’t that lucky. I doubt little A caught it from his cousin though. Dr says there had been many cases recently.

Little A had a rash around his mouth. The night before I gave him some of my husband nasi goreng before tasting it first. The fried rice had belacan in it so we both thought that that was the trigger for what seems to be an allergy reaction. We brought him to his Dr and the dr thought the same. He gave little A some cream and flu meds and sent us on our way. Since it was just an allergy reaction, I decided to not use the dr’s cream but instead applied coconut oil instead. A day after the dr’s visit, little a had a high fever reaching 39.5. I stayed home to make sure he had his meds and to keep the fever at bay. The red around his mouth has subsided but I noticed a blister on the side of little A’s mouth. Looking closer I saw a red spot on his feet. I kinda knew then that it was HFMD but since little A was active playing and eating ok I didn’t worry. The next day little A started drooling excessively. His shirt was drenched and he didn’t want his milk, only water. More blisters has formed around his mouth hands we brought him to see the dr for confirmation and advice. The dr looked in his mouth and told us it was great that little A was still eating and drinking still because ulcers had formed all over his mouth! No meds really for HFMD, just calamine on the blisters and oral aid to numb the mouth a bit if it gets too painful to swallow, I gave little A ibuprofen for the fever which also helps with the pain. He refused to drink his milk but drank water and juice. I allowed him to have ice cream since it sooths his throat. The next couple of days was just to make sure he is comfortable and making sure he was hydrated and happy and had lots and lots of cuddles. Every day I would wake up to new spots on his face and body. It was pretty bad! He even had blisters on his private area! I would cry silently when I look at him but little A was a trooper all the while.

It took a good 5 days for little A to be almost himself again. The blisters started to dry out. There were big ones on his knee, feet and hands that needed to dry out before we would let him make his appearance in the world again though. We need to be sure he is ok and not spreading the virus to others.
From the ordeal, I got to spend a lot of time with my son. I got to just forget about work, meeting people or going out. In the day it was just the two of us (most of the time in our panamas) having fun playing, singing, cuddling and making a mess. Oh what a life!

Take care peeps, stay healthy!