I’m OK

I’m not 100% but I’m OK. There are days when I break down and think about the “what if’s”. I try to limit those days and look forward. My body is not back to where it should be. I’ve been bleeding on and off since the miscarriage and it’s been 3 weeks since I started. I’ve been on the lookout for anemic symptoms but everything looks ok so far. I had a dr appointment last Saturday, the dr wanted to make sure that my lining is all shed and hcg is out of my system. Everything looks fine. We also talked about what’s next.  We have 2 frosties waiting for us. The dr recommended that we wait 2 cycles before we start, which will be end of September. Hubby and I have been talking about it and we were planning to try again October after we get my sister-in-law’s wedding out of the way.

It’s good in a way that we have a plan forward. At least there is something to look forward to.  So right now I’m still on my folic acid; planning to lose some weight (ha!) and get myself healthy for our next go. I asked the dr about the possibility of this happening again (the miscarriage) and he was very frank with me. He told me 20%. Even though we have my insulin under control; I am 35 so I have my age against me. Weight is of coz always a factor.  20% …that’s scary!

I’m working on a box for my baby, to put all my positive pee stick and the sonogram I have. Right now I carry the sonogram in my wallet so it stays close. People may think it’s silly but I don’t care. I find myself wanting to talk about the miscarriage. Wanting to validate that it happened, I was pregnant… my baby was inside of me even for a very-very short time.  Even for that very short time, it made a huge difference in my life and I will forever be grateful.

 Sending lots of love out there through cyber space…

7 Weeks 3 Days

And it ended. I passed my baby naturally in the morning. My heart breaks a thousand pieces

Updates

 It’s been a while since my last entry. It’s not because of lack of stories to tell but there have been too many incidents that are just too scary to put in words. Two weekends ago, the company my husband works with had a company retreat at a resort 3 hours’ drive from home. I took Friday off and we were set for a fun filled weekend. The very first night there we had dinner and then there were fireworks… we got in pretty late that night and had an early morning the next day at a water park. I didn’t sleep well that night; my body didn’t feel too good. When I woke up that morning I noticed some blood. It wasn’t a lot just some spotting but it was pink so I know it’s wasn’t old blood. It was so scary. It was still too early to call my Dr so I told my husband to go ahead for the day’s event and I stayed at the hotel and put my feet up. DH was reluctant to go but I assured him I was ok. The spotting didn’t stop. While DH was away he called our clinic and they told us to go to the ER local private hospital near the resort and ask for a progesterone shot.  DH got back and we drove to the nearest ER which was 45 minutes away. We got to see an IVF Dr there but they did not prescribe progesterone shot but instead asked me to increase my oral progesterone dose to 3 times a day (which I did not do). He did an abdominal scan on me and did not see anything except for a very thick lining. He had warned us earlier that we might not see anything and to not panic if we don’t. I was just at 16dp3dt so it would be too early anyway for an abdominal scan. He says that the bleed could be from implantation or this could also be a chemical pregnancy… It didn’t make me feel better after seeing him… not one bit. I spend the rest of the weekend crying and staying in bed. At the end of the trip, I had to see everyone during check out and they kept asking if I was ok (hubby told them I wasn’t feeling well hens my absence) I had to hold back tears when I tell them I was just under the weather…I was a mess!

We saw my regular Dr on Monday. He had me take another bhcg blood test and the numbers were going up but still on the low side. I was given a progesterone shot and sent home. My first scan was originally set for 7 weeks but because of the bleed/spotting it has been brought forward to Thursday. I’m so scared that they wouldn’t find anything during the scan… during my trip to the ER when the nurses/dr there asked if I was pregnant, I felt like an imposter when I said I was. I feel like the rug will be pulled right from under me and I would be found out!

 I’m still turning the pee stick positive…that comforts me somewhat. I’ve resolved to the fact that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this pregnancy. Being weepy and stressed does not help my condition so I am staying calm and taking everything a day at a time. That is all that I can handle right now.