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I’m 40…+ 1. Gulp. This time last year I was really excited turning 40. 40 is fabulous, life begins at 40 right? I felt like I was meant to be 40 all my life (yea really, promise!) everything seems to fit. But put a 1 after the 4 and I feel totally unprepared… in denial to tell you the truth. I can’t make myself say I’m 40+1 =?

It’s funny, I feel the same as when I was a teen, in 20’s,30’s… I still feel somewhat immature, still very much need my mommy, still very much ill equipped to navigate this vast world without her wise words and assurance. It got me thinking about my own mom, the way she still looks at us, her babies. We will always be her little babies. I guess it still feels like she just had us and that is how I will always feel with little A. He will always be my baby boy…forever and ever…

I was cleaning up yesterday. The house is a clutter and me and hubs has become somewhat of a hoarder or very close to it. So, I equipped myself with a very large garbage bag and when through the house, one closet at a time (I could go through only one and that took a whole day, with all the reminiscing) In my mission, I came across a little blue book with beadings on the cover, inside was a few recipes that I got from mom, flipping through a bunch of pictures fell out. It was our sonogram with little A, from his very first…. his very first picture, a dot. Not much bigger than this 👉🏻 .

Flipping through the sonogram dawns on me… I won’t have that experience again. The dream of having more little A’s has to be put to rest. I have to admit to myself that our journey started and ended with the most beautiful boy who is the center of our universe. I don’t feel bad about letting go of the dream of having more children, I didn’t feel sad, just blessed. My mission is to be the best mom for little A.

Our family is complete.


There has been big news on the TTC front circulating in our local media these past few days. Malaysian darling Dato Siti Norhaliza is pregnant after 11 years of trying. When I heard the news, I cried a little. She was my age when I was pregnant with little A after 13 years of trying. I was over the moon happy for her. I pray for a safe pregnancy and a healthy “take home” baby for her as well as for all the others that has travelled this road with us. I’m very proud of all of us that are open with the fact that we needed help trying to conceive. I hope with her openness to discuss fertility treatments will open the eyes of the public on our plight. It should not be a taboo subject to discuss. We should not suffer alone or feel embarrassed that we needed medical help to realise our dream of becoming parents. More than anything I pray that fertility treatments will be made more affordable and assessable to all that needs it. Those who have had treatments, me included knows how expensive these treatments are and sadly one attempt is usually not enough. It is a blessing that with Tengku Azizah Fertility Foundation (TAFF) the lower income earners are able to get funding to be able to go through IVF and be able to hope with all hopes to get a shot of having a child of their own. Even for us middle class income earners, the numbers just adds up and there are rarely funding for this group. I hope that we could fight to allow EPF withdrawal for IVF treatments. This will help tremendously. More funding means more people will seek treatments, this will also encourage more doctors, more research and ultimately more expertise in this branch of medicine. May Allah ease our journey and our efforts.

There has been so many happy developments in the world of fertility. I pray for all that are still on this roller-coaster ride. I hope your end is in sight and you will be holding your bundle of joy in your arms soon.

Thinking of Dr Adilah who made my dream of being a mom come true.

Lots of love

Things has calm down a bit after the initial festivities. Celebrating Eid with little A the second time has been fulfilling. Not a dull moment at sight! Little A is a big boy now. A toddler that loves action. Jumping, running he hardly slows down. We taught him to sake people’s hands but he is very choosy with whom, but he would give everyone a high five instead :D. Our hari raya travels are as always, the last day of Ramadhan was spent at my grandma’s home in Negeri Sembilan, and we would travel back to my husband’s home in Ipoh in the evening of first day of Hari Raya. It’s always great to be with family and friends, most we have not seen since the last Eid!

Little A is happy to be amongst other kids, he got kicked and shoved a couple of times which caught him by surprise but he was a little trooper about it, his mom (reads me) not so much. I’m trying so hard not to be the helicopter parent but shoving and kicking is just not ok with me. I’m concern that little A might pick up the same. We try to teach our kids to play nice and share, but we cannot overlook the fact that kids learn a lot from other kids. I think I will be one of the moms that will always worry about son/child/children circle of friends (well don’t all moms?)

Little A is 20 months old! He has gotten so big! Both my hubby and I are rather tall people (for Asians at least) so little A takes after us. He doesn’t walk. Come to think of it ever since he “got his legs” he is running everywhere. We are contemplating getting one of those child harness so I could keep him at arm’s length so he won’t get lost in crowds. We babywear a lot still and he does ride in his stroller but I do like to allow him to walk on his own. The problem is he is not afraid of people so when I put him down he would run around not wanting to hold on to mama’s hand. So I think a harness is best. In this day and age safety is key.

Little A doesn’t talk a lot. He still babbles quite a bit. We love to sing together. He surprised me the other day, I brought him cookies with numbers on them. This is the first time we had them. I took a cookie out and before giving it to him I asked “Little A, what number is this” and he said “five”. I was shocked. I mean I’ve taught him his 1,2,3 but I didn’t think he would recognise the number ‘5’. I thought it was a fluke so I took another cookie out and it was a “3” and asked again, and he answered correctly again. I know there are babies that could read at 2 but I was still surprised that he knew his numbers. The next one was “1” but on the cookie it was just a straight line and looked like “I” and little A said it was the letter “i”. I guess a 20 month old child knows quite a lot LOL! His grandma didn’t believe the stories I told about little A knowing his alphabets and numbers until a couple of days ago she say she had Little A on her lap and he was reading the letters on her t-shirt “P A G K O R” and she was shocked! (he doesn’t know his ‘N’ and ‘M’ since when we sing the Alphabet song the “L M N” part goes fast and when we get to the part he would shake his head and say “ wa wa wa O P” LOL). He also knows some shapes and colors. His favourite one is Hearts and curcle (circle) 😍

He is growing up so fast. When I’m at work it takes a lot to not miss him and think about what he is doing. I’m glad he is with mom but he is getting more demanding since he now knows what he wants and poor mom is at his beck and call. We are seriously considering sending him to a playschool with day care next year. I am anxious about it but I hope I will make the right decision for my son. A working mother’s guilt continues…

I hope all is well at your end.


Feeling melancholy today. First day at work after a week off with little A. I wish it was for fun and play but the reason for the long break was because little A had the Hand Foot and Mouth disease aka HFMD. His cousin had HFMD during the CNY break and we were very careful making sure they stayed out of each other’s way until he was well. We disinfect their toys etc. We thought little A was all clear since it has been almost a month but I guess we weren’t that lucky. I doubt little A caught it from his cousin though. Dr says there had been many cases recently.

Little A had a rash around his mouth. The night before I gave him some of my husband nasi goreng before tasting it first. The fried rice had belacan in it so we both thought that that was the trigger for what seems to be an allergy reaction. We brought him to his Dr and the dr thought the same. He gave little A some cream and flu meds and sent us on our way. Since it was just an allergy reaction, I decided to not use the dr’s cream but instead applied coconut oil instead. A day after the dr’s visit, little a had a high fever reaching 39.5. I stayed home to make sure he had his meds and to keep the fever at bay. The red around his mouth has subsided but I noticed a blister on the side of little A’s mouth. Looking closer I saw a red spot on his feet. I kinda knew then that it was HFMD but since little A was active playing and eating ok I didn’t worry. The next day little A started drooling excessively. His shirt was drenched and he didn’t want his milk, only water. More blisters has formed around his mouth hands we brought him to see the dr for confirmation and advice. The dr looked in his mouth and told us it was great that little A was still eating and drinking still because ulcers had formed all over his mouth! No meds really for HFMD, just calamine on the blisters and oral aid to numb the mouth a bit if it gets too painful to swallow, I gave little A ibuprofen for the fever which also helps with the pain. He refused to drink his milk but drank water and juice. I allowed him to have ice cream since it sooths his throat. The next couple of days was just to make sure he is comfortable and making sure he was hydrated and happy and had lots and lots of cuddles. Every day I would wake up to new spots on his face and body. It was pretty bad! He even had blisters on his private area! I would cry silently when I look at him but little A was a trooper all the while.

It took a good 5 days for little A to be almost himself again. The blisters started to dry out. There were big ones on his knee, feet and hands that needed to dry out before we would let him make his appearance in the world again though. We need to be sure he is ok and not spreading the virus to others.
From the ordeal, I got to spend a lot of time with my son. I got to just forget about work, meeting people or going out. In the day it was just the two of us (most of the time in our panamas) having fun playing, singing, cuddling and making a mess. Oh what a life!

Take care peeps, stay healthy!



Little A and mama caught the new year bug 😦 Little A was down with high fever of 39.4 C since new year’s day. The high temp got me really worried. We know from experience not to head to the Dr straight away, so this time we managed the fever making sure little A is comfortable and when the fever is high we gave him some over the counter meds to keep the fever in check. On the 3rd day, I thought it was time to see the dr. This time we went to our normal GP. She was great and did a thorough check up on little A. His throat was red she says but it was great that he is eating and drinking as usual. I was sick as well so she saw me too. Both of us had sore throat; me with a cold and flu but little A didn’t. She gave little A antibiotics and said if the fever doesn’t come down still to go straight to the hospital. The very next day after a night of high temp I felt uneasy and we took little A to the hospital to see his peeds. Little A needed a blood test and a nose swab to rule out dengue and influenza. The poor little dear had to get his blood tested. I made little A’s daddy go in with him, I was a scaredy-cat. I couldn’t bear to see little A being probe. When I heard little A crying, I cried silently outside wishing I could take the pain away. Result came in – neg for dengue and neg for influenza. Alhamdulillah. We are to take little A back to redo his blood works if the fever doesn’t go down after 2 days.

On little A:
Little A is so cute when he “talks” he can say fish (more like”ish”) and his roar like a lion, hiss like the snake and bark like the dog hehehe those are his favourite sounds for now I guess.

Happy new year Peeps! Hoping, wishing, praying that 2017 will be kind to all of us.




Fever is down, but rashes has developed. We are thinking measles. just called the doctor and he says it’s probably Roseola, but if we want to know for sure to take little A in. DH will get off work and take little A to see the Dr today.

Updatate #2:

Been to see the Dr and confirmed Roseola.Just calamine lotion and keep him comfy. I’m off work tomorrow to give little A lots of cuddle time. Doakan Little A cepat sembuh ye.

Little A had a slight fever last night and got somewhat worst this morning. This is his first fever, he had the flu a few times but his temperature never got this high. I’m at work. I was all ready to call in to stay home but I have a system going live today and I need to be at work. I need to be at home too. I need to be with my baby but I left for work. I’m ridden with guilt. Ahhh – the working mom’s guilt. Thankfully we were staying at my mom’s last night since we were celebrating my nephew’s birthday. We planned on the sleep over at mom’s and as it turned out a blessing. Now little A is with his dad. Yea, dH got to stay home from work today. My mom and dad is also there to entertain the little one and back dH up. That eases my worry a little bit. He cried when I left for work today, usually he would just wave and blow me kisses. I had to leave quickly, not wanting to let him see the tears streaming down my face.

DH took little A to see his dr just to be safe. My dad when along with him because he says he wanted to make sure his grandson was ok. Auwww how sweet was that? As it turned out, the dr didn’t give little A anything, just asked us to monitor him for a couple of days since the fever is still new it was too soon to rule anything out. We are to make sure little A drinks a lot of milk and water and eat fruits for vitamin C. If the fever persist in next few days we need to take little A in to get his blood tested. Praying that little A will get well really soon and he is just teething and nothing more sinister. We took little A swimming last week and he enjoyed it so much and love putting his head underwater, I’m hoping the fever is not from an ear infection. Thankfully we have a long weekend coming. I can’t wait to be home with my baby.

TGIF – Have a good weekend my dears!


My handsome, smart, cheeky little man, you are ONE today. That’s a whole number!!! This past year has been the best year of our lives and it is all because of you and we thank Allah every day for His precious gift. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have a 1 year old. It feels like only yesterday that I heard your heart beating in my belly for the first time. It still feels like a dream. I hope I will not forget the way I felt when I was carrying you in my belly, or when I gave birth to you, the first time I held you in my arms, our first kiss, your first shesek (feed) and first nappy change, the first time you said “Mama”. There has been so many first… and I pray to Allah that there would be many-many more special time we will share together.

My prayers for you my son, I pray that Allah bless you with a long and happy life, with good health and abundance of wealth. A life full of happiness, success and fulfillment. I pray that you will be passionate and compassionate. May Allah guide you in all decision that you make. Above all I pray that you will be a good Muslim. Keep Allah close to your heart, sayang.

If you are reading this and wonder what a 1 year old you was like, let Mama give you a glimpse.

• You are a very friendly baby. You like people a lot.

• You can crawl like a champ and you are really fast too. You refuse to walk though. You can furniture surf and climb very well but when we try to make you walk you would just sit. And when mummy or mama say “tak teh” you will start a bounce like dance

• You like to eat. I love it when you say nnnnnaaaakkk every time you want another bite. We let you eat normal people food and you are not a picky eater. Mama cooks you bubur ayam and sup and also pear and apple puree to eat every day. You get pasta or rice with chicken when we eat out.

• You like to “run” away every time we have diaper change and make me catch you. No 2 diaper change can be challenging phew!

• You love bath time and cry when I take you out of the tub before you were finish splashing.

• You seem like bear compared to other animals. But of course since you are from the Bear family!

• Mama caved and let you watch nursery rimes on youTube. Your favorite is Badanamu because their songs are really upbeat. Mama likes the 5 little speckled frogs.

• You have a sense of humor. You like to take my compact powder when I get ready in the morning, and when I ask for it back you will place it in my hand and quickly grab it again and “run” away. It makes us both laugh every time

• You love your Baba, well sometimes you call him Dada. We’re not sure what you will end up calling your Dad. You have a strong bond with him and always rush to him when he gets home from work. He taught you to roar like a lion. You will roar every time you see him and everyone thinks it’s super cute. You roar when we say lion too.

• You love Mummy and gives her the most sloppiest kisses when you say goodnight to go home at the end of the day. Mummy always has an eye out for you. She even scold mama a few times if I did something wrong! You want mummy to always be near you all the time, even when you are happy playing, you will look up to see if mummy is still there. Mummy has a hard time trying to cook because you won’t let her go.

• You love your Papa and makes him do things for you. He would pick you up and “save” you every time Mummy puts you in your play area (you don’t like it much in there) and let you hang with him on his desk. Papa likes to take you and Mummy to buy goreng pisang in the evening and you enjoy your car rides with them, especially since you get to ride in the front seat with Mummy. Your goodnight ritual with Papa, he will bite your arm and you will squirm and giggle. I love watching you together. Fahmy Sr and Fahmi Jr!

• You love your Jai, Mama Lin and Mama Kin. All of them have a special bond with you. I think you like Jai most because you can make him do anything for you and carry you everywhere. He would even sit by the piano for 15 minutes while you serenade him 😀 He will tip toe when he tries to leave the room so you wouldn’t notice, but if he hears you crying for him he would come right back. You bond with your mama Lin too, in the beginning she says you seem to get us confused and thought mama Lin was me (but I know you know who your mama is). Mama Kin would help babysit you sometimes. You are her youTube buddy!

• You love your kakak sha, abg adam, abg acik, kakak hana, kakak khyra and abang aidan. Kakak Sha spends a lot of time taking care of you when she was waiting to start form 1 because she couldn’t get into a school till March. She helped mummy to take care of you the first few month I had to go back to work after my confinement. She loves you so much and likes to take selfies together. Abang Aidan spends the most time with you since the both of you go to “Mummy’s School”. He entertains you and guard you to make sure you don’t go to places you shouldn’t, like the kitchen. You get angry sometimes when he blocks your way but you will know in time that he was just trying to protect you.

You have so much love surrounding you sayang. You are a lucky-lucky boy. People call you a miracle baby, but aren’t all babies a miracle? The difference is, you are OUR miracle. You make Baba and Mama’s life complete. Be awesome, sayang. Be Great! Always know that Mama and Baba loves you.

Happy First Birthday my wonderful boy. I love you so much!

Love always,


I have a 10 month old….yikes!

Little A is 10 month old! Wow how time flies. He is a little man now, such a charmer, smart and funny. Every time is playing on his own he would look up at me and crawl to me to give me a kiss and continues playing. Melts my heart! He is very active and at this age has no concept of fear. We have to keep a watchful eye on him at all times or he’ll dive off head first from the bed/chair/mat etc,etc,etc! My dad has been teaching him how to climb down from the bed, leg first, but he is still in training for that one. He is not too keen on trying to walk just yet. He likes to stand and cruise along the furniture but once you try to make him take a step he’ll just sit on down. He has 2 teeth coming out and when he grin real big you can see them. Too cute says his mom LOL

When little A was a little younger (say a month ago or two ago :D) he love to repeat baba baba or papa papa, it kinda sounds like baba at times and papa at time so my dad whom everyone including his grandchildren calls Papa thinks little A is calling out to him and he is super proud of it, and my DH on the other hand who is little A’s Baba thinks the kid is calling out to him also making him very smirky… And this poor lady who carried him for 37 weeks and 3 days and gave birth to the little guy can only get a decent Mama when he is irritated and crying!!! Sigh Now at 10 month when he says Baba,Mama,Papa,Bear he knows what they mean. We haven’t got a decent mummy yet (his grandma who takes care of him when I’m at work)

We took little A on his first plane ride at 2 days shy of 10 month. We went to Perth Australia a 5 hour flight from KL. I was nervous for sure. I didn’t know what to expect. 5 hours being confined for someone who is so active would could mean 5 hours of screaming and tears but little A did wonderfully well. I’m so proud of him. He seems to be able to adapt well with the different settings and weather. Maybe we could venture off to somewhere further next.

10 months… 2 more and he’ll be 1. Where did the time go?

30th July 2016

I was getting ready to go to an event celebrating miracle babies at the hospital where we did the IUI that resulted in our own little miracle. We were excited to take little A to see Dr A. So as usual we woke up bright and early. Little A was very cooperative and there were a lot of smiles and giggles all around. I gave little A his bath and got him ready and brushed his non existing hair :D. I needed to go to the toilet to wash my hands and put lip stick on and hubby was getting ready in the room, trying to pick out a shirt that would match little A. I told hubby to look after little A for a bit and off I went to the toilet. The door wasn’t even closed and I heard a thump and little A screaming. I rushed to see what was happening and my son was on the floor crying. He fell off the bed. My body shook as I scoop him into my arms. He was crying, I was crying. I am in tears as I type this even after almost 2 weeks since the incident. Apparently hubby had taken a pillow to barricade little A and rushed out to get his shirt. HE LEFT THE ROOM! I consoled little A. He cried for a bit then he was ok again. I looked for bruises and bumps but there were none. I called the hospital and talked to his pediatrician and he asked me to monitor little A and look for signs for the next 24 hours and if he was throwing up to bring him in. Little A was a little shaken but it didn’t take him long to start playing and being his happy self again. I felt so guilty. I still feel guilty. I hope we learn our lesson as parents. We can’t leave the baby alone not even for a second unless he is in a secure area and he cannot hurt himself. We lower his cot that very day. No more leaving little A on the bed. If needed he has to be in his cot. He doesn’t like it much in there, but as long as he is safe while mama needs to go pee or something, then I’ll just need to let him stay in there.

At 8 months, Little A is very mobile now. He crawls really fast and he likes to stand. I am excited with his new development but I’m awfully scared that he might hurt himself. I’m so shaken but I know I cannot be a mom that keeps my baby in a bubble. I contemplated on if we should tell my parents since I didn’t want to freak them out. Once I knew everything was ok with little A, I called mom to tell her what happened. Mom was sympathetic, I guess she knows how bad I was feeling anyway and didn’t want to pour salt to the wound. She told me stories how we fell quite a bit when me and my siblings were babies too and we turned out ok. I came to know later on that dad was mad at me for not being careful enough. I don’t blame him for being mad. I’m very mad at myself too.

Oh, later that day little A seemed to be his ole self again so we went to my cousin’s aqiqah for her new baby. Mom and dad were there too. There we met my cousin’s sister in law who was a pediatrician (just our luck!) We told her what happened and she was kind enough to give little A a once over. All seems fine. Little A is his active self. No signs that the fall hurt him in anyway Alhamdulillah.

For those who are wondering if I got mad at DH for leaving the room, I was really really really mad but I didn’t want to make an issue out of it. I know he feels bad but wanted to remain calm as I was already stressing and crying. We can’t both fall to pieces right?

I thought being a mom of a new born baby was hard, this is even harder. Since little A is more mobile I’m afraid that he would fall and hurt himself. I guess this is life from now on out. I will constantly be worried about my baby…. can you imagine how much I would worry once he becomes a teenager???? I aged a year just thinking about it 😰

I’m excited to celebrate Eid this year. Last year we decided to stay in KL just the two of us with little A in mama’s belly. This raya will be extra special as it is little A’s very first Hari Raya. We plan to go visiting families we miss last year and taking little A to visit with family’s that hasn’t had the chance to meet him.

This Hari Raya is quite different then the pass. Celebrating the holiday with a little one is definitely different. The packing is an ordeal, not so much that little A needs a lot of things, it’s more that DH is one of those people that needed to make sure we have everything covered. Which means there is a backup for our backup! DH had to take 3 trips down to the car to get our stuff loaded – LOL. Little A was basking on all the attention he got. He enjoyed people so much. More so when he was the center of attention. So unlike his mama 😀 . Of course we had to schedule the visiting around his nap time and he did get fussy when it’s hot out. He had a little issue with sleeping when we were at my grandma’s place but other than that it was a memorable and meaningful first Hari Raya for little A and us of course.

I hope it’s not too late to wish my dear readers Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin and Eid Mubarak.