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There has been big news on the TTC front circulating in our local media these past few days. Malaysian darling Dato Siti Norhaliza is pregnant after 11 years of trying. When I heard the news, I cried a little. She was my age when I was pregnant with little A after 13 years of trying. I was over the moon happy for her. I pray for a safe pregnancy and a healthy “take home” baby for her as well as for all the others that has travelled this road with us. I’m very proud of all of us that are open with the fact that we needed help trying to conceive. I hope with her openness to discuss fertility treatments will open the eyes of the public on our plight. It should not be a taboo subject to discuss. We should not suffer alone or feel embarrassed that we needed medical help to realise our dream of becoming parents. More than anything I pray that fertility treatments will be made more affordable and assessable to all that needs it. Those who have had treatments, me included knows how expensive these treatments are and sadly one attempt is usually not enough. It is a blessing that with Tengku Azizah Fertility Foundation (TAFF) the lower income earners are able to get funding to be able to go through IVF and be able to hope with all hopes to get a shot of having a child of their own. Even for us middle class income earners, the numbers just adds up and there are rarely funding for this group. I hope that we could fight to allow EPF withdrawal for IVF treatments. This will help tremendously. More funding means more people will seek treatments, this will also encourage more doctors, more research and ultimately more expertise in this branch of medicine. May Allah ease our journey and our efforts.

There has been so many happy developments in the world of fertility. I pray for all that are still on this roller-coaster ride. I hope your end is in sight and you will be holding your bundle of joy in your arms soon.

Thinking of Dr Adilah who made my dream of being a mom come true.

Lots of love
N

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Just ONE more month before the big 2. Wow little A has gotten so big (tears). My little bitty baby boy is almost 2. He is a ball of energy. Put him down and he runs. He does look back to see if we (reads the old folks) are running after him. I sometimes wonder why I’m not skinny yet with all the running LOL. Little A is getting smarter by the second. He knows his ABC by sight both upper and lower case and can count and recognise numbers 0-10. His favourite word for now is “Amazing” and I just love the way he says it with his facial expression and all. On the talking front, he still babbles a lot. He seems to know words but does not know how to use them or listen to instruction well. It’s hard since little A is our first, we don’t have a benchmark on what is the “norm” at this age. How active is too active? How many word should he already know? Should he be talking in sentences by now? There are times when I worry and want to get him assessed by professionals and the family think I’m overreacting, so I’ve been consulting with the ole trusty Dr Google and reading blogs but I’ve found that the difference in development for kids this age is vast! It’s hard not to worry.  We as parents wants the best for our children. I hope I’m making the right decisions for little A. Sometimes I worry he is not communicating enough but then just this morning he came to me and said “oh on, sorry mama” and I asked him “what happened sayang?” He said nothing…. Only to find out he pooped his diaper LOL.

Next update will be his 2nd birthday insyaAllah. Till then…

Little A has a binky (his trusted pacifier). My hubby and I was in a dilemma at the beginning deciding whether to start little A on the pacifier. I did a lot of reading and there are studies that says pacifier’s reduces chances of sudden infant death, and with little A frequent reflux when he was a baby, the pacifier given right after his feeds seems to reduce the reflux, so we kept at it. Now 1 year and almost 6 months later I am searching frantically online on how to make little A give up his good ole friend. My mom wasn’t really worried about the use of the binky, he is still a baby she says and it does help to calm him down for naps, since mom takes care of little A when I’m at work; as much as I want little A to be off his binky, easing my mom’s day to day with little A was more important at this point of time. I’ve read that the pacifier will not harm the teeth till later years of persistence use so we had a little time still.

This takes us to Saturday 13th May 2017. I was in bed with little A playing tickle. We just got home after a week’s holiday in Australia. Tired from lugging the luggage back to the house, we (read I) needed a nap. The usual nap time routine – little A had his bottle and his trusty binky in his mouth. I spoke softly to little A, I said “you are such a big boy now, big boys don’t need your binky anymore” , little A laughed and we played around some more. Suddenly out of nowhere little A took his binky out of his mouth and threw it on the floor at the same time sobbing. I asked what was wrong and picked up the binky and handed it back to him. He shake his head no but continues sobbing. I held little A close to my chest and told him, I knew it was hard, but if he is ready I will help him get through this. He fell asleep sobbing in my arms – without his binky. Shocked in an understatement. I don’t know how much little A understood. He’s a baby surely he didn’t understand what I said right?

I told hubby about the incident after our nap (a very short nap since someone didn’t have his binky in his mouth), and my husband’s reaction was, he picked up the binky from the bed and put the handle part in his mouth and offered the other end to little A (they do this often together). I got So angry at hubs! Here was little A trying with all his might to stop and his daddy is parading the binky right in his face. I was so upset. Thankfully little A didn’t take the bait and little A was binky free throughout the night. The next day we were getting ready to go out to celebrate mother’s day, hubby decided to put little A in coverall. It almost didn’t fit anymore and little A looked like a baby in it compared to the usual shorts and t-shirt we usually dress him in. Suddenly I realised, little A was ready to let go and be a big boy, HIS DAD WASN’T ready to let go just yet. He wanted his baby. In the excitement and effort to help my son go through this process I didn’t stop to think what this represents to his dad and me. Our son is growing up too fast. He is so different than the little helpless baby we brought home from the hospital 1year and 6months ago. He’s smart, determine and strong and has a mind of his own. My hubby needed a little time to process that. I need time to let this sink in…………

Binky free since 13th May 2017 – Mama is so proud of you little A.

It feels soooo long since I last updated this blog. I’m embarrass at how lazy I’ve been! Our Little A is 17 month and 2 weeks old. Was shopping for a swimming suite for him the other day and bought one for age 3 and it fits him with only a small room to grow!!! He’s getting so big! We are taking the opportunity to travel a bit since Little A could still be a lap baby on flights. We took Little A to Tokyo. My mom wanted to go see cherry blossoms, so we tagged along and had a wonderful time. Little A got to spend time in the parks chasing birds, we went to the zoo to see pandas, gorillas and the polar bear, Little A loved all the bears. We even took him to the mountains to experience snow.

He had a cold and the weather in Tokyo was cold but he was a trooper! I’m trying to forget what felt like an hour of screaming in the plane as the plane descended. Nothing could calm him down. I think it must have been the flu and how the ear aches as the pressure in the plane shifted. It was probably just 15 minutes at most but it felt like ages. There were stares, most sympathetic but I’m sure there were some annoyed at the wracked. I felt so sorry for my little boy to have put him through that. When we landed we let Little A run around a bit which he loved and of course needed after a 7 hours flight. The trip back home was better, thank god! We are attempting another 7 hours flight later this week this time to Australia. We’ll be on the red eye so I’m hoping he will sleep the whole way through. Wish us luck!

This pass few days we have been having trouble giving Little A his formula. He simply refuse them and when he does drink it would be a couple of ounces. If this continues we will have to look into giving him more cheese and yogurt as a substitute.

I’m leaving you with a rare picture of Little A 😄


Hope all is well at your end..

Love
N

Merry Christmas, can’t believe we are at the end of the year already. In a couple of days we will meet 2017! I’m loving the long weekends we’ve been having. I think a 4 days a week for work is the way to go. If I become PM I’d make that compulsory LOL

We’ve been having some separation issues. By we, I mean me and little A. The usual routine on work days would be, little a and dH would drop me off and dH would drive little A to mummy’s and we’ll pick up little A together at around 6.30pm. These past few months the dropping me off has been tough. Before I leave the car I’ll tell him, “mama is going work and will be back at 6.30, you have fun with mummy ok, learn new things 🙂 take care of mummy for me”. I’m not sure he understands though; maybe he does? He would wave and blow me kisses and I’d do the same, then he would cry and cry as the car pulls away. Of course seeing this I would cry too. Dh tell’s me that little A would cry himself to sleep until they reach mummy’s house. It breaks my heart. I don’t know how to make it better. He loves going to mummy’s. He has his cousins there and he loves playing with them. It’s the – me leaving part I guess. Lately little A has been really clingy. I love it because I get to be close to him for cuddles and play. I get little done around the house, but that’s ok too. We just won’t have people over for the next year or two haha… the down side is, when I have to go way to work, or to shower little A would cry buckets. I hope we can start dealing with the separation anxiety; both at his end and mine. Anyone have a remedy on how we can cope better? Advice is welcome.

Love

N

I’ve written about her a few times. Our baby bear, my daughter who is my niece. I don’t like it when people call her my niece or if she introduces me as her aunt because our relationship is more than that. What do you call someone who teaches you how to be a mother? What do you call someone that makes you feel unconditional love, and the desire to always want to care for and protect and give your maternal instinct an outlet? A daughter, she is my daughter.

After 2 years of marriage, me and dH was ready to start a family. My elder sister has a son who was 3 and was ready to have another. We thought wouldn’t it be fun if we were to get pregnant at the same time! To experience the journey with my big sister would have been awesome. Well, we all know now, it didn’t happen for us. My sister on the other hand had a little girl. dH and I took to her straight away. We fell in love with her coos and her cute button nose. Since my sister and I were living with my parents, we got to see each other every single day. We would carry and cuddle her every chance we got and babysit if her parents needed to go out. We would play with her and her brother. When she was fussy and crying, dH and I could always calm her down.

I think it was when she was almost 2 when her mom was pregnant with her little brother that she started to love sleeping with us at night. Well then again I was the famous aunt, both of the kids loved playing and having sleepovers ; P Since she was no longer breastfeeding we could take her out with us. We even took her on a holiday out of town just the 3 of us (or at least till the next morning when my sister and parents decided to show up LOL). I guess we had our share of dirty diapers, nursing a sick child, throw up all over the sheets in the middle of the night, disciplining and easing tantrums as well as millions of hugs and kisses. I guess that is why in a way dH and I were never too lonely, I was Mama Bear and dH was Papa Bear and we had our Baby Bear. We were a family.

When we moved to our own place, we got baby bear on weekends. I cherished those moments. We would go out shopping or watch musicals, bake cookies and cakes, rush and finish homework or just lay in the bed and cuddle. When I got pregnant with little A aka Little Bear, many people tells me that once I have him, my relationship with her would change. I told them they were crazy, they didn’t know the bond I have with her so how could they judge? Now a year on, have the relationship changed? I hope not. I know the love I have for her has not changed one bit. The family dynamics has changed. Baby Bear loves her little brother very much and is aware that he needs me. Baby bear is now 12 and has her own thing going on with friends and school and puberty. This last 6 months I get to see her lesser and lesser since her parents has moved. Sleep over is becoming rarer as she has piano lessons and friends sleep over on weekends. I miss her. I know she has to grow up, but she is and always will be our Baby Bear. When she came by a couple of weeks ago, I did her facial, it was hurried as is my life right now, but when I looked at her face, I can’t help but stare. There was that telltale knot in my throat, I teared up. She has grown up. She is no longer the cute baby with button nose that I held in my lap, she is now a beautiful young lady.

I remembered a time, when I was worried about the future, who will take care of me when I’m old and grey? Sha do you remember your promise? (Her answer to the question was “of course Sha lah jaga mama” I will take care of you) Now we have you and little A to look out for me and Papa Bear when we old and grey. Alhamdulillah. We are so blessed.

I know our lives will change as you grow older my love, but one thing that will stay constant is our love for you. I hope it is the same at your end too. Goodnight Baby Bear, Goodnight Papa Bear, Goodnight Little Bear. Mama Bear loves you

Yes peeps, he is 11 month old. One month to go and he’ll be a whole number! I want the days to go slowly now. The days seems to just overlaps and before you know it, a week is out. Being a working mom is tough. There is a lot of guilt. Guilt for not being around to see your kids grow up. Only having a few hours at the end of the day with your child when you are tired and all you want to do check out. I try to be as engaging as I can. I want him to know I love him and want to spend time with him no matter how exhausted/sleepy/hungry mama is.

Little A is still crawling and furniture cruising. He doesn’t seem to want to attempt to walk. It ok though. He can take his time on that one. He ‘talks’ a lot (he takes after his grandPAPA :P). He just learned to clap his hands. I have been trying to teach him to clap since forever, he seems happy when I clap his hand for him but doesn’t seem to want to do it on his own, until one day we were on the escalator in a mall and he suddenly started clapping. I was so surprised I cried! LOL. Now when we sing the “if you’re happy and you know it” song he claps along. He can also stack the ring pyramid in order now. He says “nak mam” when he wants his bottle, calls out to “apang” and “kak kak” and is imitating what we say. He’s silly and loves to laugh out loud at anything funny, most recently he found the squeaky rubber chicken biting mama’s nose hilarious!

Hubby took me on a lunch date the other day. We haven’t had time alone to check in and really talk. Well this lunch date wasn’t even that as we were busy stuffing our face with yummy dim sum to even get serious. We did talk in passing about wanting to attempt no 2. My cycle has been really good so far but I have not been tracking. Hubby wants to go see Dr A. We’ve wanted to introduce little A to Dr A for a while now but still haven’t found a time to go. May be we could lump it with an actual appointment to see how or if we should attempt for no2. My big 4 – 0 is coming soon this is the reason that we might need to rush if we decide to try again. Aaaahh the life of an infertile. If we do attempt, you’ll be reading about it here.

I’ve been blog walking when I’m “free” to catch up. The blogs I frequent are mostly quite now. Some are busy with their little ones, one has found new love through adoption, some are in the midst of a treatment cycle while others has stopped treatment for a while to regroup after a failed attempt. I wish all of you well were ever you are.

Love
N

Baby A is 6 months today! Alhamdulillah. Wow time just moves so fast. I can’t comprehend that we have a 6 months old and he is ours. He is rolling over and scooting all over the place. Not yet crawling though, but can get places scooting on his tummy. He loves to eat. Teeth has not broken through just yet but he is drooling quite a bit and biting at everything. He loves his jumparoo and loves to play tickle. His laughter makes my day.

We took him to LEGOLAND last week for Star Wars week (more for big A than little A 😝 ) The long car ride down to Johor was not that fun for him = not much fun for mama too. He’s outgrowing his doona carseat/stroller thingy really fast. I don’t think it will last us a year. He has no problem with hotel rooms and enjoyed the stroll in the theme park when the weather was cooperating. I think he senses that we are on a holiday. He stayed up late wanting to play.

He had his 6 months shots last week and he weighs a whole 9kg – we got ourselves a cubby baby 😍 The dr said this one hurts so prepare to sooth him when he cries. That got me nervous for a bit, but little A got a little angry at the dr after the shot and pretty much was ok afterwards. Such a champ.

We’ve been giving him a pacifier to help him sleep. I think it’s about time to get rid of his binkie but I have some anxiety about it. I’m not worried about his nite2 sleep, just worried about his nap time with grandma. He is bad at napping as it is and I don’t want to stress my mother out with a fussy baby. We will see how it goes. May be we will quit using mr binkie at night and if we are lucky he would drop it in the day time as well. Wish us luck!

It has been 3 weeks since my entry on losing weight and I’m embarrassed to say I have not kept with it. I have lost a couple of grams, may be a kg, but that is due to fasting (pusas ganti). There has been a couple of big eats this weekend – a buffet Chinese dinner with mom, dad and big bro then another last night to celebrate my BIL birthday. All good excuses to eat 😛

My husband’s uncle passed away on Friday. We were quite close. He’s my Hubby’s mom’s brother. Since I never met hubby’s mom, he was the closest link to her side of the family. He passed quite young at 60 of a liver cancer. They found out in April. Before that he was quite well, working and all like usual. We went to visit him a couple of times since and he seems cheerful and other than a little swollen and jaundiced he seems like his old self. He passed a month after being diagnosed which was a shock to us. It seems too soon. I’m glad that he did not have to suffer long due to the cancer. My heart breaks for the family. He will be missed. Al-Fatihah

He had 8 children. All grown up. The youngest is 17. He and his wife were looking forward to retirement this year. They had worked hard to raise the family. They had plans for their retirement together, finally having time to travel and do stuff together and splurge on a new car, but that day never came. It puts thing in to perspective for me. Life is short… Life is short. At the end of the day I need to know that a big chunk of my time and energy goes to my family, for hugs and cuddles and to watch my child grow and to experience new things together instead of the hours upon hours laboring at work. I need to find the balance. I will work on that. At the end of the day I need to know that I’ve tried my best to raise my family. That’s the most important thing to me.

Hold your love ones a little tighter today and let them know how much they mean to you.

Love

N

And I forgot I was supposed to start my diet today LOL. I remembered right after lunch so I skipped my usual ice cream cone. That’s progress right? (Face in Palm)