I’ve written about her a few times. Our baby bear, my daughter who is my niece. I don’t like it when people call her my niece or if she introduces me as her aunt because our relationship is more than that. What do you call someone who teaches you how to be a mother? What do you call someone that makes you feel unconditional love, and the desire to always want to care for and protect and give your maternal instinct an outlet? A daughter, she is my daughter.

After 2 years of marriage, me and dH was ready to start a family. My elder sister has a son who was 3 and was ready to have another. We thought wouldn’t it be fun if we were to get pregnant at the same time! To experience the journey with my big sister would have been awesome. Well, we all know now, it didn’t happen for us. My sister on the other hand had a little girl. dH and I took to her straight away. We fell in love with her coos and her cute button nose. Since my sister and I were living with my parents, we got to see each other every single day. We would carry and cuddle her every chance we got and babysit if her parents needed to go out. We would play with her and her brother. When she was fussy and crying, dH and I could always calm her down.

I think it was when she was almost 2 when her mom was pregnant with her little brother that she started to love sleeping with us at night. Well then again I was the famous aunt, both of the kids loved playing and having sleepovers ; P Since she was no longer breastfeeding we could take her out with us. We even took her on a holiday out of town just the 3 of us (or at least till the next morning when my sister and parents decided to show up LOL). I guess we had our share of dirty diapers, nursing a sick child, throw up all over the sheets in the middle of the night, disciplining and easing tantrums as well as millions of hugs and kisses. I guess that is why in a way dH and I were never too lonely, I was Mama Bear and dH was Papa Bear and we had our Baby Bear. We were a family.

When we moved to our own place, we got baby bear on weekends. I cherished those moments. We would go out shopping or watch musicals, bake cookies and cakes, rush and finish homework or just lay in the bed and cuddle. When I got pregnant with little A aka Little Bear, many people tells me that once I have him, my relationship with her would change. I told them they were crazy, they didn’t know the bond I have with her so how could they judge? Now a year on, have the relationship changed? I hope not. I know the love I have for her has not changed one bit. The family dynamics has changed. Baby Bear loves her little brother very much and is aware that he needs me. Baby bear is now 12 and has her own thing going on with friends and school and puberty. This last 6 months I get to see her lesser and lesser since her parents has moved. Sleep over is becoming rarer as she has piano lessons and friends sleep over on weekends. I miss her. I know she has to grow up, but she is and always will be our Baby Bear. When she came by a couple of weeks ago, I did her facial, it was hurried as is my life right now, but when I looked at her face, I can’t help but stare. There was that telltale knot in my throat, I teared up. She has grown up. She is no longer the cute baby with button nose that I held in my lap, she is now a beautiful young lady.

I remembered a time, when I was worried about the future, who will take care of me when I’m old and grey? Sha do you remember your promise? (Her answer to the question was “of course Sha lah jaga mama” I will take care of you) Now we have you and little A to look out for me and Papa Bear when we old and grey. Alhamdulillah. We are so blessed.

I know our lives will change as you grow older my love, but one thing that will stay constant is our love for you. I hope it is the same at your end too. Goodnight Baby Bear, Goodnight Papa Bear, Goodnight Little Bear. Mama Bear loves you


Little A had a slight fever last night and got somewhat worst this morning. This is his first fever, he had the flu a few times but his temperature never got this high. I’m at work. I was all ready to call in to stay home but I have a system going live today and I need to be at work. I need to be at home too. I need to be with my baby but I left for work. I’m ridden with guilt. Ahhh – the working mom’s guilt. Thankfully we were staying at my mom’s last night since we were celebrating my nephew’s birthday. We planned on the sleep over at mom’s and as it turned out a blessing. Now little A is with his dad. Yea, dH got to stay home from work today. My mom and dad is also there to entertain the little one and back dH up. That eases my worry a little bit. He cried when I left for work today, usually he would just wave and blow me kisses. I had to leave quickly, not wanting to let him see the tears streaming down my face.

DH took little A to see his dr just to be safe. My dad when along with him because he says he wanted to make sure his grandson was ok. Auwww how sweet was that? As it turned out, the dr didn’t give little A anything, just asked us to monitor him for a couple of days since the fever is still new it was too soon to rule anything out. We are to make sure little A drinks a lot of milk and water and eat fruits for vitamin C. If the fever persist in next few days we need to take little A in to get his blood tested. Praying that little A will get well really soon and he is just teething and nothing more sinister. We took little A swimming last week and he enjoyed it so much and love putting his head underwater, I’m hoping the fever is not from an ear infection. Thankfully we have a long weekend coming. I can’t wait to be home with my baby.

TGIF – Have a good weekend my dears!


My handsome, smart, cheeky little man, you are ONE today. That’s a whole number!!! This past year has been the best year of our lives and it is all because of you and we thank Allah every day for His precious gift. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have a 1 year old. It feels like only yesterday that I heard your heart beating in my belly for the first time. It still feels like a dream. I hope I will not forget the way I felt when I was carrying you in my belly, or when I gave birth to you, the first time I held you in my arms, our first kiss, your first shesek (feed) and first nappy change, the first time you said “Mama”. There has been so many first… and I pray to Allah that there would be many-many more special time we will share together.

My prayers for you my son, I pray that Allah bless you with a long and happy life, with good health and abundance of wealth. A life full of happiness, success and fulfillment. I pray that you will be passionate and compassionate. May Allah guide you in all decision that you make. Above all I pray that you will be a good Muslim. Keep Allah close to your heart, sayang.

If you are reading this and wonder what a 1 year old you was like, let Mama give you a glimpse.

• You are a very friendly baby. You like people a lot.

• You can crawl like a champ and you are really fast too. You refuse to walk though. You can furniture surf and climb very well but when we try to make you walk you would just sit. And when mummy or mama say “tak teh” you will start a bounce like dance

• You like to eat. I love it when you say nnnnnaaaakkk every time you want another bite. We let you eat normal people food and you are not a picky eater. Mama cooks you bubur ayam and sup and also pear and apple puree to eat every day. You get pasta or rice with chicken when we eat out.

• You like to “run” away every time we have diaper change and make me catch you. No 2 diaper change can be challenging phew!

• You love bath time and cry when I take you out of the tub before you were finish splashing.

• You seem like bear compared to other animals. But of course since you are from the Bear family!

• Mama caved and let you watch nursery rimes on youTube. Your favorite is Badanamu because their songs are really upbeat. Mama likes the 5 little speckled frogs.

• You have a sense of humor. You like to take my compact powder when I get ready in the morning, and when I ask for it back you will place it in my hand and quickly grab it again and “run” away. It makes us both laugh every time

• You love your Baba, well sometimes you call him Dada. We’re not sure what you will end up calling your Dad. You have a strong bond with him and always rush to him when he gets home from work. He taught you to roar like a lion. You will roar every time you see him and everyone thinks it’s super cute. You roar when we say lion too.

• You love Mummy and gives her the most sloppiest kisses when you say goodnight to go home at the end of the day. Mummy always has an eye out for you. She even scold mama a few times if I did something wrong! You want mummy to always be near you all the time, even when you are happy playing, you will look up to see if mummy is still there. Mummy has a hard time trying to cook because you won’t let her go.

• You love your Papa and makes him do things for you. He would pick you up and “save” you every time Mummy puts you in your play area (you don’t like it much in there) and let you hang with him on his desk. Papa likes to take you and Mummy to buy goreng pisang in the evening and you enjoy your car rides with them, especially since you get to ride in the front seat with Mummy. Your goodnight ritual with Papa, he will bite your arm and you will squirm and giggle. I love watching you together. Fahmy Sr and Fahmi Jr!

• You love your Jai, Mama Lin and Mama Kin. All of them have a special bond with you. I think you like Jai most because you can make him do anything for you and carry you everywhere. He would even sit by the piano for 15 minutes while you serenade him 😀 He will tip toe when he tries to leave the room so you wouldn’t notice, but if he hears you crying for him he would come right back. You bond with your mama Lin too, in the beginning she says you seem to get us confused and thought mama Lin was me (but I know you know who your mama is). Mama Kin would help babysit you sometimes. You are her youTube buddy!

• You love your kakak sha, abg adam, abg acik, kakak hana, kakak khyra and abang aidan. Kakak Sha spends a lot of time taking care of you when she was waiting to start form 1 because she couldn’t get into a school till March. She helped mummy to take care of you the first few month I had to go back to work after my confinement. She loves you so much and likes to take selfies together. Abang Aidan spends the most time with you since the both of you go to “Mummy’s School”. He entertains you and guard you to make sure you don’t go to places you shouldn’t, like the kitchen. You get angry sometimes when he blocks your way but you will know in time that he was just trying to protect you.

You have so much love surrounding you sayang. You are a lucky-lucky boy. People call you a miracle baby, but aren’t all babies a miracle? The difference is, you are OUR miracle. You make Baba and Mama’s life complete. Be awesome, sayang. Be Great! Always know that Mama and Baba loves you.

Happy First Birthday my wonderful boy. I love you so much!

Love always,


Yes peeps, he is 11 month old. One month to go and he’ll be a whole number! I want the days to go slowly now. The days seems to just overlaps and before you know it, a week is out. Being a working mom is tough. There is a lot of guilt. Guilt for not being around to see your kids grow up. Only having a few hours at the end of the day with your child when you are tired and all you want to do check out. I try to be as engaging as I can. I want him to know I love him and want to spend time with him no matter how exhausted/sleepy/hungry mama is.

Little A is still crawling and furniture cruising. He doesn’t seem to want to attempt to walk. It ok though. He can take his time on that one. He ‘talks’ a lot (he takes after his grandPAPA :P). He just learned to clap his hands. I have been trying to teach him to clap since forever, he seems happy when I clap his hand for him but doesn’t seem to want to do it on his own, until one day we were on the escalator in a mall and he suddenly started clapping. I was so surprised I cried! LOL. Now when we sing the “if you’re happy and you know it” song he claps along. He can also stack the ring pyramid in order now. He says “nak mam” when he wants his bottle, calls out to “apang” and “kak kak” and is imitating what we say. He’s silly and loves to laugh out loud at anything funny, most recently he found the squeaky rubber chicken biting mama’s nose hilarious!

Hubby took me on a lunch date the other day. We haven’t had time alone to check in and really talk. Well this lunch date wasn’t even that as we were busy stuffing our face with yummy dim sum to even get serious. We did talk in passing about wanting to attempt no 2. My cycle has been really good so far but I have not been tracking. Hubby wants to go see Dr A. We’ve wanted to introduce little A to Dr A for a while now but still haven’t found a time to go. May be we could lump it with an actual appointment to see how or if we should attempt for no2. My big 4 – 0 is coming soon this is the reason that we might need to rush if we decide to try again. Aaaahh the life of an infertile. If we do attempt, you’ll be reading about it here.

I’ve been blog walking when I’m “free” to catch up. The blogs I frequent are mostly quite now. Some are busy with their little ones, one has found new love through adoption, some are in the midst of a treatment cycle while others has stopped treatment for a while to regroup after a failed attempt. I wish all of you well were ever you are.


I have a 10 month old….yikes!

Little A is 10 month old! Wow how time flies. He is a little man now, such a charmer, smart and funny. Every time is playing on his own he would look up at me and crawl to me to give me a kiss and continues playing. Melts my heart! He is very active and at this age has no concept of fear. We have to keep a watchful eye on him at all times or he’ll dive off head first from the bed/chair/mat etc,etc,etc! My dad has been teaching him how to climb down from the bed, leg first, but he is still in training for that one. He is not too keen on trying to walk just yet. He likes to stand and cruise along the furniture but once you try to make him take a step he’ll just sit on down. He has 2 teeth coming out and when he grin real big you can see them. Too cute says his mom LOL

When little A was a little younger (say a month ago or two ago :D) he love to repeat baba baba or papa papa, it kinda sounds like baba at times and papa at time so my dad whom everyone including his grandchildren calls Papa thinks little A is calling out to him and he is super proud of it, and my DH on the other hand who is little A’s Baba thinks the kid is calling out to him also making him very smirky… And this poor lady who carried him for 37 weeks and 3 days and gave birth to the little guy can only get a decent Mama when he is irritated and crying!!! Sigh Now at 10 month when he says Baba,Mama,Papa,Bear he knows what they mean. We haven’t got a decent mummy yet (his grandma who takes care of him when I’m at work)

We took little A on his first plane ride at 2 days shy of 10 month. We went to Perth Australia a 5 hour flight from KL. I was nervous for sure. I didn’t know what to expect. 5 hours being confined for someone who is so active would could mean 5 hours of screaming and tears but little A did wonderfully well. I’m so proud of him. He seems to be able to adapt well with the different settings and weather. Maybe we could venture off to somewhere further next.

10 months… 2 more and he’ll be 1. Where did the time go?

30th July 2016

I was getting ready to go to an event celebrating miracle babies at the hospital where we did the IUI that resulted in our own little miracle. We were excited to take little A to see Dr A. So as usual we woke up bright and early. Little A was very cooperative and there were a lot of smiles and giggles all around. I gave little A his bath and got him ready and brushed his non existing hair :D. I needed to go to the toilet to wash my hands and put lip stick on and hubby was getting ready in the room, trying to pick out a shirt that would match little A. I told hubby to look after little A for a bit and off I went to the toilet. The door wasn’t even closed and I heard a thump and little A screaming. I rushed to see what was happening and my son was on the floor crying. He fell off the bed. My body shook as I scoop him into my arms. He was crying, I was crying. I am in tears as I type this even after almost 2 weeks since the incident. Apparently hubby had taken a pillow to barricade little A and rushed out to get his shirt. HE LEFT THE ROOM! I consoled little A. He cried for a bit then he was ok again. I looked for bruises and bumps but there were none. I called the hospital and talked to his pediatrician and he asked me to monitor little A and look for signs for the next 24 hours and if he was throwing up to bring him in. Little A was a little shaken but it didn’t take him long to start playing and being his happy self again. I felt so guilty. I still feel guilty. I hope we learn our lesson as parents. We can’t leave the baby alone not even for a second unless he is in a secure area and he cannot hurt himself. We lower his cot that very day. No more leaving little A on the bed. If needed he has to be in his cot. He doesn’t like it much in there, but as long as he is safe while mama needs to go pee or something, then I’ll just need to let him stay in there.

At 8 months, Little A is very mobile now. He crawls really fast and he likes to stand. I am excited with his new development but I’m awfully scared that he might hurt himself. I’m so shaken but I know I cannot be a mom that keeps my baby in a bubble. I contemplated on if we should tell my parents since I didn’t want to freak them out. Once I knew everything was ok with little A, I called mom to tell her what happened. Mom was sympathetic, I guess she knows how bad I was feeling anyway and didn’t want to pour salt to the wound. She told me stories how we fell quite a bit when me and my siblings were babies too and we turned out ok. I came to know later on that dad was mad at me for not being careful enough. I don’t blame him for being mad. I’m very mad at myself too.

Oh, later that day little A seemed to be his ole self again so we went to my cousin’s aqiqah for her new baby. Mom and dad were there too. There we met my cousin’s sister in law who was a pediatrician (just our luck!) We told her what happened and she was kind enough to give little A a once over. All seems fine. Little A is his active self. No signs that the fall hurt him in anyway Alhamdulillah.

For those who are wondering if I got mad at DH for leaving the room, I was really really really mad but I didn’t want to make an issue out of it. I know he feels bad but wanted to remain calm as I was already stressing and crying. We can’t both fall to pieces right?

I thought being a mom of a new born baby was hard, this is even harder. Since little A is more mobile I’m afraid that he would fall and hurt himself. I guess this is life from now on out. I will constantly be worried about my baby…. can you imagine how much I would worry once he becomes a teenager???? I aged a year just thinking about it 😰

I’m excited to celebrate Eid this year. Last year we decided to stay in KL just the two of us with little A in mama’s belly. This raya will be extra special as it is little A’s very first Hari Raya. We plan to go visiting families we miss last year and taking little A to visit with family’s that hasn’t had the chance to meet him.

This Hari Raya is quite different then the pass. Celebrating the holiday with a little one is definitely different. The packing is an ordeal, not so much that little A needs a lot of things, it’s more that DH is one of those people that needed to make sure we have everything covered. Which means there is a backup for our backup! DH had to take 3 trips down to the car to get our stuff loaded – LOL. Little A was basking on all the attention he got. He enjoyed people so much. More so when he was the center of attention. So unlike his mama 😀 . Of course we had to schedule the visiting around his nap time and he did get fussy when it’s hot out. He had a little issue with sleeping when we were at my grandma’s place but other than that it was a memorable and meaningful first Hari Raya for little A and us of course.

I hope it’s not too late to wish my dear readers Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin and Eid Mubarak.

This post is a little late. I wrote it at the beginning of Ramadhan and we are now almost at the end already. I wonder why I forgot to post, the years must be catching on I guess LOL…

Alhamdulillah, we have arrived to another Ramadhan. Last year I wasn’t able to fast being pregnant with baby A and on medication for my high blood pressure. This year, Alhamdulillah I get to experience fasting with all other Muslims around the world. I pray that our ibadah is accepted by Allah. This is my favorite month really, I enjoy fasting, and the people’s giving sprit during these times. People seems kinder to one another. I don’t know may be I’m looking at the world with a filtered glass, when that’s not the case and people are angrier around this time nursing hungry tummies 😀

We wake up for sahur at 4.40am, and usually it’s leftover from dinner or just some dates, water and meds. little A likes to get up and join us for sahur as well, so we would change his diaper, give him his milk and then after Subuh prayers, the 3 of us will cuddle in bed until it’s time to get ready for work. Baby A usually will drift back to lala land.

Little A is 7 months old. He’s a big boy now, every day there will be new things he has learned. The other day, I sang to him the Brian Adams song, you know the one that goes “You know it’s true, everything I do, I do it for you”? Little A was sitting on his high chair and I sang a few verses to him and little A just looked at me, like he understood what I was saying. At the end of the song he put his hands on my face and pull me close and gave me the best sloppiest kiss ever. He’s a romantic little guy LOL!!!

Our work hours during the fasting is a little different. We start an hour early and get to go back home at 4.30. It’s usually 5pm by the time I get home but that’s alright as I get more waking hours with the little guy.
I’m starting to have dreams of having another baby. Little A is in the phase where he likes to suck on his toes eikkk and you know the old people says when a baby does that it means he wants a baby brother/sister. My Ob says we can start trying after raya, I don’t know… maybe we can start trying again on our own and see how it goes… yea there’s that ticking clock…. Tik tok tik tok

Wishing all of you a happy and blessed Ramadhan.



Little A has the flu. It’s making it hard for him to breathe. He is feeling miserable and the stuffy nose keeps him awake at night that poor dear. This is his second flu this month! We are doing the saline nasal spray and I TRY to suck the mucous out with the nose bulb thingy but he put up such a great fight that I am afraid I might hurt him. He hates that nose sucker! And I must say I hate doing them too. I got myself one of those everyday essential oil (eo) set when I was pregnant. I wanted the Lavender as I read online there is a study showing that smelling Lavender helps manage the pain after surgery. I got it to help with the pain of my c-sect. I’m not so sure about the pain management part, but it did help me sleep really well when I was pregnant. Since I already have the stuff at home I read up on how it could help baby with the flu. Apparently not all essential oil are safe for babies, especially for babies less than 6 months old. After some reading and asking friends who uses the eo, I tried using some on little A. The oil had to be heavily diluted. I’m hoping it will help. I put some lavender on myself and when I hold little A he could breathe in some of the lavender. He slept quite ok last night. He did wake up a few times but he went right back to sleep unlike the previous night when he woke up crying at the top of his lungs. I will keep an eye on the flu. If it gets worst, maybe a trip to the Dr will be best.

I’m praying that Little A gets better soon. It breaks my heart that I’m not with him. I’m at work now but my heart and head is thinking of the little guy. I’m so lucky that he is with mom. I know he is loved and is in good hands. Please send a prayer our way.

We took Little A to a clinic close to home. The Dr there is well known for “helping” babies/toddler to get mucus and flam out, since the little ones cannot do it by themselves. The clinic is very popular amongst parents of little ones the que to see the dr was a longggggg one. The nebulize and suction process had little A screaming and me in tears, but after the ordeal, little A breathe better and the flu is all gone. Alhamdulillah.

Baby A is 6 months today! Alhamdulillah. Wow time just moves so fast. I can’t comprehend that we have a 6 months old and he is ours. He is rolling over and scooting all over the place. Not yet crawling though, but can get places scooting on his tummy. He loves to eat. Teeth has not broken through just yet but he is drooling quite a bit and biting at everything. He loves his jumparoo and loves to play tickle. His laughter makes my day.

We took him to LEGOLAND last week for Star Wars week (more for big A than little A 😝 ) The long car ride down to Johor was not that fun for him = not much fun for mama too. He’s outgrowing his doona carseat/stroller thingy really fast. I don’t think it will last us a year. He has no problem with hotel rooms and enjoyed the stroll in the theme park when the weather was cooperating. I think he senses that we are on a holiday. He stayed up late wanting to play.

He had his 6 months shots last week and he weighs a whole 9kg – we got ourselves a cubby baby 😍 The dr said this one hurts so prepare to sooth him when he cries. That got me nervous for a bit, but little A got a little angry at the dr after the shot and pretty much was ok afterwards. Such a champ.

We’ve been giving him a pacifier to help him sleep. I think it’s about time to get rid of his binkie but I have some anxiety about it. I’m not worried about his nite2 sleep, just worried about his nap time with grandma. He is bad at napping as it is and I don’t want to stress my mother out with a fussy baby. We will see how it goes. May be we will quit using mr binkie at night and if we are lucky he would drop it in the day time as well. Wish us luck!