I didn’t cry the first time I held my baby in my arms. It surprised me actually since I am a very emotional person. My sister cried watching me hold my baby. Friends came to visit while I was at the hospital. Those closest to me who has seen me at some point of my ttc journey could not hold back their tears when they hugged to congratulate me. They tell me how happy they were for us that after all our determinations, failures and tears I finally have a baby in my arms. When they say this I smiled and thank them for looking out for us and keeping us in their prayers all this while. The truth is the first few weeks I was just going with the flow. I did not allow myself to go THERE. If I did I would breakdown. If I thought about the 13 years wait to get here, the endless dr’s appointments, the pocking and probing, the hope… the loss after loss the disappointments and the tears; I never ever ever thought this day would come. I would pray and hope and prayed some more at every step of our journey through infertility that it would happen but never in my wildest dream would we reach the other side with our take home baby.

It wasn’t until about 4 weeks into my confinement, my mom allowed me take a trip back home with the baby for the weekend. There I was in my own home, feeding my baby boy and Celine Dion – A New Day Has Come played on my iphone. Suddenly the flood gate opened and I started to sob uncontrollably that my body shook. I was crying out of happiness of Allah blessing of our little miracle boy. At the same time I was crying for all people who desperately want a child of their own. My heart breaks that their yearning for a child has not been fulfilled. I wanted everyone to experience this joy… it felt unfair. I feel unworthy of this gift. My tears fell on my baby like rain but he wasn’t fazed. He was hungry and continued eating even when mama’s body shook like tremors. I promised to him that I would love him and take care of him the best that I could. I wanted him to know how he is wanted and loved even before he was conceived.

I pray for everyone who are on this journey of infertility, that Allah gives us the strength and patients to weather this storm and may He grant us with beautiful, healthy babies soon. Amin.

Don’t give up even when it seems hopeless.
Love

N

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