I haven’t been here for quite a while. I did sneak some time to write but haven’t had the chance to post. I guess, instead of a blog, I’m writing a journal of some sort. Well, doesn’t really matter where I write, as long as I have the outlet to express myself if and when I need one. Here’s some back dated entries. What do you call these kind of entries I wonder?

10 June 2014
I’m back from a holiday to Paris and London. It was a much needed break from the office, our daily routine and though not far from our thoughts, our struggle with infertility. Everything was left at home for a while as we took some time away to just be husband and wife; to be happy and carefree for just a bit. It’s hard not to feel in love in such a romantic city.
We are now home. I’m having withdrawal symptoms. Isn’t it funny how there’s nothing like a vacation to make you want another vacation? Well that will have to wait. I’m trying to gear up getting back on track again after ruining my diet in a big way during the break. There no place for watching what you eat during a holiday! Too much temptations and to be honest, I didn’t even try to resist 😜<<<
t’s next? I find myself planning to start treatments again. Though it does not consume me but, it’s never too far away from my mind. I’m thinking if we do proceed, I would want to try with a different doctor; dr A and dr Z comes to mind. If we were to try again, it would be soon as, well let’s face it I’m not getting any younger.<<<

14 July 2014<<<
e you ever felt like you want to be numb? Like you don’t want to feel, not to feel at all, not bad not good either? Some people go to alcohol and may be even drugs to just stop feeling. Other go the more spiritual path, to feel less connected to life but more connected to THE creator. I don’t know where I’m going with this really, it’s my brain having to throw up.<<<
st feel like I’m living a cruel joke. Yea, I’m sulking because today isn’t a good day. In general, I’m a really emotional person. I feel a lot. I’m one of those people that cries when I’m sad and ball over when I’m happy. These last few days I feel like my heart is in my throat and thousands of butterflies in my tummy and it’s hard to breath. No, I’m not sick (at least physically I’m alright) May be it’s because when I peep at the calendar it’s already July, 4 months pas my miscarriage, 3 months to what would have been my due date, and when I look around a colleague and friend is carrying her heavy belly and preparing for her baby reminding me every day of what could have been. I don’t have anyone to talk about this to without sounding petty. I can only moan here. Thank god for blogs or I might go out of my mind.

Going through the blogs that I read and IRL (in real life) I know there are people going through so much more than what I’m going through. It feels wrong to moan when you know others that are going through a much greater life tests. Sometimes it feels so unfair why people like us, we don’t ask for much. We just want a baby in our arms, healthy, happy……..